February 7

This is one of those songs that fans love to argue about. Some insist it is about an addiction journey taken by one of the brothers. Others insist it is about an illicit affair and the way back to his marriage vows. Scott wrote it and will only say that it was a significant day in his life that he won’t talk about. That ends the discussion as far as the writer in me is concerned. But it didn’t stop me from wanting to write about the inspiration I get from it.

Going by what little Scott has said about this song, it’s evident this was a day which is etched in his memory. He sings about a critical dark memory with such clear focus:

I was on the mend when I fell through.
The sky around was anything but blue.
I found as I regained my feet
A wound across my memory
That no amount of stitches would repair.

We all have days like that, days that we either remember with glorious joy, cringing regret, or deep despair. These days need no special stickers on the calendar or email reminders sent to bring the details back to mind. This song has brought some of my personal dates to mind. September 6th, 2000, is a day I will always remember as the day I first met my beautiful niece. I was starting a new job and was at meetings all day. I kept looking at my phone to see if she had arrived. I was sure that I would hear by lunch time and when I hadn’t, I started to get nervous for my sister who had been in labor since about 5:30 in the morning. I found out around 3:00 that she had finally given birth. I was driving from Latham to Albany in such a giddy daze because I was finally Aunt Franny.

Another date that I will always remember is May 15, 2013 which is the day my father died. I had just visited with him earlier that day and had witnessed him saying goodbye to his brother and brother in law. He asked me to leave the room so I don’t know exactly what was said but I do know that even as I fed him some of his italian ice, I had convinced myself that he would hold on for at least a few more days. I was wrong. When the phone rang and I saw the hospital name come across the screen, my hands shook as I listened to the nurse tell me that my father had taken a turn for the worse and that I needed to bring my mother back to the hospital (she had just left less than an hour before). He was already gone before we got there.

One last date that I can recall easily is January 8, 2016. It was the last day I worked in a district that hadn’t treated me too well as an employee. I have written about falling out with the administrator of that building and I was so eager to leave and start over in a new (old) district. I was finally returning to teach the primary grade students that I had so missed. As eager as I was to leave, it was with mixed emotions. I was leaving some very good friends and colleagues who I still miss to this day. I had also just heard about another colleague from another building who lost his wife unexpectedly a few days before and that was devastating to hear. Now that I was leaving the district, I felt like I was abandoning this person at such an important time in his life. It ended up being a very somber and wistful day where I was unsure of the future. I still can feel the melancholy every year when this day pops up in the beginning of a new year.

But what about those days that are just as significant yet carry no memory of a specific date? Surely, those days are just as important to our personal history? For instance, I don’t remember the date of the conversation I had with my father when I asked him if he was willing to pay for me to study abroad in England. I was 90% sure that he was going to say no and can remember my heart beating so fast as I made the decision to ask him. He was driving me in his truck, and we were at a stoplight. As I felt my heart jump to my throat, I finally asked the question that would end up not only changing the course of my junior year in college but also the course of my life. His surprise “Yes” had me walking on clouds for many months (it also irritated my mother to no end because she was dead set against it). It ranks right up there with the birth of my niece as one of the best days in my life yet I couldn’t even tell you the month.

Another mental souvenir from my past evokes regret when I recall it. A summer romance I had ended when my partner went off to college. I decided to surprise him with an unannounced visit. A good friend went with me, and we managed to track down his dorm and heard his guitar playing coming from behind the door (always a sucker for a musician). I knocked on the door anticipating our sweet reunion, calling out his name excitedly…and he never answered. He just stopped playing and pretended like he wasn’t there. I was mortified but also a bit naive. It just didn’t make sense to me. Why wouldn’t he open the door? Maybe he was sick? What if his depression had returned? I came up with every lame excuse I could think of to explain his silence. My more perceptive friend gently told me that he probably wasn’t anticipating me being on campus, and he may have had someone with him in the room. My heart was shattered, and I was silent the whole ride home. I was devastated by his callousness and started shielding my heart in a way that haunted me for years. While it doesn’t rank with losing my father, it does represent one of many times that I’ve had a man totally abandon me with no explanation. Again, it might have been September or it could have been January. The exact date is lost in my emotional memory.

The day you get married…the birth of your first child…the death of a significant other. These are all days that have a fixed date attached to them because of the obvious way your life was changed. I would like to argue that we have many more events in our mind’s eye that are equally transformational. They are so momentous that parts of ourselves are changed forever. Our wide-eyed view of the world can be changed in the amount of time it takes for a father to say yes or the man you love to ignore you with silence. These are moments that need no date attached to lend them gravitas. What we do know is that our essence was changed either for the better or the worse from that point on. So, we do what Scott sings about in the chorus:

There’s no fortune at the end of the road that has no end.
There’s no returning to the spoils
Once you’ve spoiled the thought of them.
There’s no falling back to sleep
Once you’ve wakened from the dream.
Now I’m rested and I’m ready
To begin.
I’m ready to begin.

When you think about those dateless memories of your life, especially the painful ones, try to be gentle with yourself. Take a deep breath, focus on what it taught you, and be grateful that you are now evolved and further down the road of life. Remember that every day is a chance to begin anew. Don’t allow others to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. And never feel pressured to explain those feelings to anyone unless it will serve to help you heal. I hope Scott never reveals the events behind these lyrics. Having the gift of this song is enough explanation for me.