Feeling like you don’t belong can be one of the most awful feelings a person can experience. Beyond the hormone-driven teenage years when young adults are desperate to fit in while trying to assert their identity separate from their parents, seeing oneself as the square peg in a round hole can be very painful. The Avett Brothers seem to be alluding to this familiar and very human circumstance in the following lines:
I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
It is truly a gift to be able to be yourself with no need to edit your words or to act in a way that is expected. Not having to be on guard when you’re around others frees you to express the uniqueness that makes you, you. Part of this magic is created when you surround yourself with people who are willing to accept you, quirky warts and all. People who stand by you in your dark times as well as your triumphs are the ones Scott seems to be singing about.
I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.
But another essential ingredient is that you have done the work within yourself and have reached a place in your life where the opinions of others no longer affect your self-regard. This common teenage malady of low self-esteem is what causes so many of us to follow the crowd and make decisions that often end up scarring our souls. These are the weights that can be carried for the rest of our lives if the inner work is not done. This means that you can have the most compassionate and supportive friends in the world but if you still feel like there is something wrong with you, the ease of fitting in will never materialize. Alternatively, you can be the most enlightened person but being surrounded by people who don’t value you (i.e. assholes) can also create discomfort and unhappiness.
I can’t help but think of all of the colleagues that I have worked with throughout my multi-district career as a teacher. Unlike most elementary teachers, I didn’t get hired by one district and work there for my whole career. I have worked in private, public, urban, suburban, and even rural districts for over 28 years. There was always a short period of time where I struggled to find my place in each new school. But I have been very blessed by the friendships I formed in each of the schools. The people who went out of their way to make me feel welcome in each new position are the ones with whom I still am in communication. When we get together, it is as if no time at all has passed. This is the gift of belonging, and it is one of the many gifts from God for which I am so grateful.
Of course, the opposite is also true. There are people who accepted me when I was “one of them”. But as soon as I spread my wings to go onto my next adventure, it was as if I never existed. I don’t just mean falling out of touch. Life is busy and as we grow older everyone has a hard time staying in touch with even the best of your friends. What I have found to be most disappointing is bumping into former colleagues and finding that we have nothing left to talk about. Over the course of 15 years I changed from a people-pleasing, “suburban wife” wannabe who took approval from the “in crowd” as a sign of success to a sarcastic, sometimes cynical, new age hippie who has learned to not judge people by their appearance nor their zip code but by their actions. Always being the single girl in a crowd of married folks with babies used to make me feel “less than” but that was down to me and my self-esteem. No, what really bothers me now is that some of the people who I used to swear would be friends for life now just look at me blankly like they have no idea who I am. My true friends (and many still are married folks with babies) don’t care that I read tarot cards, listen to music that is rarely played on the radio, have tattoos, or post way too much on facebook. They accept me for who I am today, and more importantly, I accept myself for the person I have worked so hard to become.
I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.
Once you develop that pride in who you are and what you will and won’t stand for, then true belonging can take place. The next time you find yourself feeling like you don’t belong, ask yourself two questions:
- Am I judging myself harshly about something? Is this situtation triggering some childhood hurt that still needs healing? If so, try to ignore the immediate discomfort but then work on the issue that is leading you to feel badly. This isn’t an easy process but it is one that give you access to a much more peaceful life.
- Am I surrounded by assholes? If the answer is yes, get the hell away from them. If not, revert back to question 1.
I wish for you all to attain the inner knowledge that you are worthy and to always be surrounded by people who are open to your uniqueness. That really is the perfect space.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 