Laundry Room

By now you may have figured out that I am obsessed with the music and lyrics of the Avett Brothers. If you’re a college student or recent graduate, you may be wondering why I’m so late to the party. I just can’t get enough of their songs and am discovering new ones every day. I look up lyrics that I can’t make out and realize that they really are speaking about some deep topics: death, family bonds, fierce independence. “No Hard Feelings’ and “Murder in the City” are two of the most brutally honest songs about facing death with no regrets (at least that is how I interpret the words…as a writer I feel that only the writers know for sure what the inspiration and intended message is) that I have ever heard. But the songs that touch my heart the most are the ones that deal with love. Soppy Scorpio that I am, I just can’t get enough of their love songs.

My favorite that I’ve discovered so far is the title of this post. It details a young man’s pleas to his girlfriend not to let the outside world (i.e. mom, dad) intrude on their very own private world inside a laundry room. Whenever I play it (which to be honest is usually 3-30 times a week), I imagine these young lovers who have no idea of how complicated and confusing real love can be. I can see my younger self throwing caution to the wind and professing my love to the boy I think is going to solve all of my problems. The young man in the song is, of course, a song writer who wakes up “…with a head full of songs” that he immediately writes down only to have to destroy later because “every chorus was your name”. That sweet obsessive love is so familiar to me and transports me back to the various musicians that I’ve dated in the past.

The sweet and nostalgic tone of that song is in such stark contrast to what I have discovered about romantic love in recent years. After being burned one too many times by romantic partners, I just came to the decision that love wasn’t in the cards for me. I really developed the mind set (cue the violins) that there was something about me that wasn’t conducive to the kind of love that I saw others sharing all around me. Yeah, I know. Totally self-defeating and it created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believed my “unlovability” into existence. I often felt sorry for myself and brought on fits of depression that caused me to make bad decisions in other areas of my life. Then the real world stepped in and gave me a kick in the teeth. My father was diagnosed with leukemia, and I spent the next year or so watching the first man I ever loved succumb to it. Losing my father was one of the saddest experiences of my life but led me to one that opened up my heart to love once again.

About 4 months after my dad died, I was hired to teach in a new district. At this point in my career, I had chucked away several good positions due to that depression I wrote about earlier. I was convinced that I wasn’t ever going to teach in New York again and was making plans to move away when the offer came about. It was really synchronistic not only because I fell in love but because my dad had predicted it. He was sure I would work again in a public school in New York and encouraged me to be patient. I placated him at the time but felt sure that I would be moving in the upcoming months. When the job offer came through, I was elated. It was early August and I began eagerly setting up my room.

One day in late August I was putting finishing touches on my room when this handsome blue-eyed older man with a scruffy beard appeared at my “pod” (classrooms with no walls…so stupid!). He found my briefcase which I had accidently left by the front door and brought it up to me. It wasn’t love at first sight but more like a feeling like “Oh, there you are!”. In the following weeks I slowly realized that I was attracted to him which amazed me since I hadn’t had feelings like that in a long time. By this time I had my depression under control so any positive feelings were not only welcome but celebrated. He was a natural flirt as I noticed him starting conversations with our numerous female colleagues. But I felt that when he came to talk to me, there was something more. We had a lot in common and talking with him came easily which is something that just didn’t come naturally to me when it came to men to whom I was attracted. He made me laugh, he made me think, and then he made me laugh again. I started looking forward to hearing him sing in the hallway on the way to my room. The romantic in me was starting to get excited when all of a sudden I realized one day in late September that he was married. Yeah, game over.

I fought my feelings and tried to tell myself that I should just enjoy the attention he was giving me. Nothing even slightly risque or inappropriate occurred between us yet this feeling of guilt overtook me. I tried to stay away from him and encourage him to do the same, but it only increased my desire to see him. We ended up remaining friends for a while until he started to sense that I had deeper feelings. He then cut me out of his life completely and rightly so. I missed him and his easy going laughter but I knew that it was the right decision. There have been other male interests since him but truth be told, I still have a place for him in my heart.

What I’ve realized about “adult love” as opposed to the kind of sweet young love that the Avett Brothers sing about is that it is a steady and sober kind of feeling. If what you are feeling is real love, then you are balancing it with self-respect and kindness towards yourself too. Obsession, shame, guilt…this was anything but love. What I felt for my guy started out so natural and innocent but warped into an ugly thing that could have destroyed my life. My younger self would have let it. When I finally let him go, it expressed the real love I do hold for him in my heart. But more importantly I showed myself the compassion and self-love that I never would have shown to my younger self. I would love to be able to talk to my guy and thank him for being strong enough to resist any temptation he may have felt to be with me. By respecting his marriage vows and being loyal to his wife, he gave me the opportunity to cultivate the adult kind of love I feel for him. It’s no laundry room, but my memories of him now can warm my heart just the same.