Category: Uncategorized

A Father’s First Spring

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, I couldn’t help but think that this beautiful song should be written about. The inspiration for it is the birth of Scott’s eldest daughter and the maturing effects it had on him.

The realest thing I ever felt
Was the blood on the floor and the love in your yell
I was a child before
The day that I met Eleanor

There is something so touching and tender about this song. Although it is full of feelings that many parents can relate to, it still is such a personal declaration of love. The intimacy found in phrases like “blood on the floor” and “If I die, it’s for you” makes me feel like I’ve been eavesdropping on a conversation between father and daughter, and it makes me strangely uncomfortable. I feel it is a reminder of how much writing can expose your innermost feelings to the world, and that sense of vulnerability makes me love the song even more.

I never lived ’til I lived in your light
And my heart never beat like it does at the sight
Of you baby blue, God blessed your life
I do not live ‘less I live in your light
I do not live ‘less I live in your light

This song’s declaration of a parent’s love for his child is to me the most sacred and honorable kind of love. However, I think even those of us who aren’t parents strive to find something or someone that brings that “light” into our lives. Whether you want to call it a life purpose or a calling, we all deserve to have that experience of finding something that fuels our love. My long-held desire was to become a parent but the closest I have come to that is the relationship I have with my niece (who by the way, is pretty awesome herself). The first time I saw her I knew that I wanted to be around her and in her life for as long as possible. Being her aunt has enriched my life in so many ways. She has helped me see teaching from the parents’ viewpoint. When she would come home from school, seeing a smile on her face was enough to make me forget my worries. As long as she was okay, everything else would be too. On the few days she came home upset or sad, I felt like an Avenger who HAD to make the person who made her feel that way pay. Now, when parents call me to complain about a problem that has made them don the Avenger mask, it is easier for me to relate. It’s not that I didn’t care about this issue before becoming an aunt. It is that now I can relate to how the adult is feeling in the situation. Needless to say, this change in my empathy level has led to even stronger relationships with the families of my students.

Children are great, but I know they are not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to get that inspiration and satisfaction from the work they perform daily. I think it’s easy to become jaded especially if your work exposes the worst of this world on a daily basis. It only adds to the respect I hold for professions such as law enforcement, nursing, and medicine because their typical day consists of dealing with people who are at their lowest points either physically, spiritually, or emotionally. To be faced with that kind of desperation day after day would wear me down quickly. I remember the day my dad “graduated” from his chemotherapy sessions, the nurses had balloons and created a festive atmosphere. At the time I thought it was all to encourage dad, but now I can see and totally understand that joyful moments like that were so far and few between for these dedicated workers. The mock graduation diploma and celebration were as much for their spirits as for it was for ours. Yet these incredible people go back day after day dedicated to the profession that does more than provide a paycheck; it provides a purpose for their lives. It may be hard for them to find the light daily but that doesn’t stop them from doing their jobs.

Whether you work in a “caring” field like teaching or nursing or you bag groceries at the local supermarket, everyone can find that light in the work they perform. How? The best way to do this is to choose to live in the present moment and recognize that you can be that light to others. When you are bagging that never-ending load of grocery items, have a conversation with the customer or just simply smile. That might be the only conversation that person has all day. If you are a mechanic, work on that car as if a loved one will be driving in it because the fact of the matter is that someone’s loved one will be doing just that. Finding those moments of kindness that you can supply in your work day will do more to inspire you then moaning about the difficulties associated with your job. The karmic rebound of being of service to others will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

I would like to wish all the wonderful fathers out there a very happy Father’s Day. And to Scott, I offer one piece of advice: get to work on writing songs for child #2 and #3. We all know a father’s love is always equal for his children, but Eleanor’s little siblings may feel a tang of jealousy one day over this gem of a song.

Skin and Bones

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This song’s title and the opening stanza paint a stark picture for me of an addict who has wasted away and can see the physical damage he has inflicted upon himself. The beginning of this song haunts me and makes me reflect sadly on people from my past. Since I have experienced a number of relationships with addicts at different stages of their journeys, I may be projecting my memories onto this song (Hello! Welcome to my blog!) so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I think addiction has played a major role in the lives of the AB.

It’s the skin and bones that keep me on the road
The shoulder blades of a beast that haunts my soul
Wandering lonely and scared
I live the tragedy I shared

It’s quick to drag you in but hard to shake
A kiss that doesn’t match how much it takes
Growing stronger and loud
I lived it but now I’m wanting out

The first stanza alludes to addiction as “…a beast that haunts my soul” and the “tragedy” that the band sings about night after night in their concerts. The courage it must take for a songwriter to put his worst moments in a song is hard enough to muster. But to get on stage every night and relive it by singing about it? That is mind-blowing to me. You are standing there naked with all of your flaws on display. You relive the darkest days of your life with thousands of strangers who can recite every word of your songs even though their emotional investment is greatly overshadowed by yours. The second stanza is a clear depiction of addiction and how quickly it lures you in while destroying everything else in your life. I’ve seen addicts so caught up in the ecstasy of their high that they don’t realize they are being arrested or are sitting on a dirty bathroom floor. As someone who has never experimented with drugs but went through a period of heavy drinking, I can honestly say I was scared straight the first time I realized that I drove home and with no recollection of how I got there. Right then and there, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be in that scary position again. Unfortunately, addicts in the throes of addiction just wake up and take up the “tin and board” like nothing ever happened even as their lives and the lives of their loved ones are being blown apart.

While this beginning portion of the song makes me think about addiction, the rest of the song resonates with me because of how it alludes to building a barrier between your heart and the rest of the world.

I built the fence, I hung the sign
Blood red letters said ‘Keep in mind 
Where I been so don’t come in’
But how long can you live in shame
And drop a life long curse on your own last name
The trouble is, I’m used to it

Shame over past actions can affect you in so many ways. It can make you scared to try new things for fear of embarrassment. Shame can lead you to self-hatred and self-loathing which works like a vicious circle. “I feel ashamed so I hate myself which makes me feel more ashamed”. As the AB sing, you just get used to feeling bad about yourself. One thing shame doesn’t usually engender is an open heart. Even when someone has made it clear that he/she doesn’t care about the past, people who are mired in shame will do everything in their power to reject any kindness or notion of forgiveness. Isolation begets further confirmation that one is worthless. It’s not a great logical leap to addiction when one is constantly spinning his wheels in the grime and mud of past actions.

Trying to hide behind the “fence” can be seen as self-preservation. We all have been there, our hearts so broken by either the acts of another or by our own “stupid” actions. Most fences are temporary, with time and healing or someone else’s persevering love eventually honing a way through. But I wonder if people living in the past and feeling overwhelming regret think about the effect cutting themselves off can have on the people who love them. Having had some experience in being on the other side of a fence which was as strong as a cement wall (that I admittedly tried to knock down for too long) I thought I would shed some light on the consequences for others.

  1. Your loved ones feel like they have done something wrong. Even when you insist that “It’s not you, it’s me” that shame you are running away from can be transferred easily to a person trying to reach you. Now instead of just you hurting, someone else in the world is being hurt by your presumed shortcoming.
  2. Your loved ones can make things worse by trying to “fix” whatever is wrong with you. While a codependent person starts off with good intentions, that quickly escalates to a dysfunctional relationship that can ruin not only any chance you have of healing but also the self-esteem of the other person.
  3. Your loved one simply gives up one day and moves on with his/her life. While you may think, “Good! I’m not good enough”, please know that this effect reverberates long after the person is “gone”. He/She who moves on only does so with unanswered questions, soul-crushing regrets, and more self-blame for getting involved with someone whose heart is locked away.

Now, reading over this list I realize that pointing out these effects sounds like I’m trying to “guilt” people into not putting up the fence. That is not my intention. Fence-builders don’t need more guilt because they usually cut themselves off out of concern for others. “She’s better off” is his motto. But I do want the fence-builders to realize that you are not sparing anyone by hiding your bad decisions or actions. Whereas you may think you are only hurting yourself, the opposite is true. The people that I have known who built those fences were much harder on themselves than I ever would be. One of those fence builders was my father, and even after he’s been gone for 6 years I still get sad over the way he couldn’t ever let me completely in. It was fear of rejection that made fence-builders want to hide in the first place. So if you ever find yourself feeling afraid to admit the truth about your past to someone, don’t let the fear lead you to cutting yourself off from a much brighter future. Give your friends and loved ones the chance to forgive you or just to acknowledge your history. It will not just be healing for you but it has the potential to lighten the emotional load on the other person. And if you are dealing with a fence-builder, try to send them prayers, good vibes, or other support that doesn’t tie your self-esteem to their healing. While we can love the fence-builders in our lives, we can not save them from their worst enemies: self-condemnation. Hopefully, one day soon he/she will take down that fence and let the light in.

Salina

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Some mornings I wake up hearing songs for no particular reason. I know there’s always a message in these songs, and it eats away at me until I can find the connection. Salina by the Avett Brothers is another one of those songs. But unlike other songs, the connection came to me fairly quickly this morning. I remember when I first heard this song I didn’t think too much of it. Maybe it was because it was clearly not a love song or a spiritually enlightened song like so many of the other AB tunes that I loved. But the more it came up on my iPhone shuffle, the more the simple melody and lyrics called out to me. Out of all the songs I’ve written about, the meaning of this one is the most straight forward: it is about places that the band has travelled to on its many tours:

From town to town and state to state
There’s people everywhere that try to capture us
We stole the cash and left our names
And almost slipped in Indianapolis
The rain it fell, the story went on
The rain it fell, and we got gone

Poughkeepsie hang up the telephone
I won’t answer your phone calls no more
New York, quit calling, New York leave me be

Salina, Kansas and Cleveland, Ohio are also mentioned as places to which the band has travelled.There doesn’t seem to be a particular reason why these places are mentioned. I think the randomness was purposeful; the places didn’t matter but the reason for the visits did. Upon listening to the whole song, we are left feeling like touring is the part of their career that is the most challenging. This seems to be a common complaint from musicians. The constant travel is the hard part of being a musician. I have read that artists like Keith Richards, Bruce Springsteen, and Bono live for the the 2+ hours on stage but hate the other 22 hours of the touring day. It certainly would make sense that Scott and Seth’s longing for North Carolina (which is their home state) is tied to the amount of time they have to spend away from family and friends.

Carolina, one day I’ll, someday I’ll come home
Carolina, one day I’ll, someday I’ll come home
Home
Home

This need to travel for their music to get out there and their personal need for the calmness and support of home life reminded me of the constant tensions felt whenever you try to follow a dream. There is the positivity of doing what you feel like you are born to do grating up against the hard work that you have to do to become successful. I think any career or pursuit involves things you hate to do in order to become successful. For instance, one part of teaching that I hate to deal with is the seemingly never-ending line of assessments that are required by either my state or my district. While some assessments can give me information I need to make my next moves in designing my instruction, there are too many others that are done mainly to check a box. I would rather spend the hour giving those kinds of assessments doing what I was born to do: working with children. I’m sure you can find a list of things that you “have” to do in your job that take away time from what drew you to this particular job in the first place. This seems to be part of the message of “Salina”. There are some hard things you have to do in order to get to the benefits,

This song also led me to think about the challenges that can be found in expressing your feelings for another person. In order to be in a fulfilling relationship you have to be open and honest about how you are feeling. I have had several instances in the past where telling someone how I felt about him placed me in the precarious spot of having to confront some difficult truths about love. Just as touring is the downside to being a musician, these byproducts of admitting your true feelings for someone are the downside to being authentic.

Vulnerability– Once you take the plunge and tell someone how you feel about them there is no turning back. You have exposed your heart to another which requires you to drop your defenses. You give that person the power to either elate you or destroy you with just a few words or even an unconscious facial expression. The time it takes for the other person to respond may only be seconds but your vulnerable state makes it feel like hours. The opposite can also be true. I remember telling a boy over the phone how I felt, and his first words were “Let me tell you a story…” . This was all it took for me to know that the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. As he droned on minute after minute about another friend who was dating a younger girl (at the time he was in college and I was in high school), the meaning instantly pierced my young heart. I immediately felt the keen pain and regret felt by someone who has set themselves up for a fall. Being vulnerable is an unavoidable side effect of telling someone the truth about your feelings.

Judgment- Even when your feelings are reciprocated by the other person, there are painful experiences just waiting to pounce. When you make your feelings for another person known to others, you lay yourself open for judgment from the peanut gallery (i.e. his friends, your friends, complete strangers). You may find yourself having to justify your love. The reasons behind the judgment are varied: you’re too young, too old, not his type, not good enough for him, too good for him, the wrong color, the wrong religion, not wealthy enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough and on and on. Judgment can come from people who care for you, people who care for him, and especially from yourself. Your own judgments can be the most damaging. Unless you are at a point in your life where you are confident enough to disregard the opinions of others, these self-doubts and verdicts of others can destroy the potential of any relationship.

Threat of abandonment– If you put your heart on the line and are honest with the one you love, then you face the very real threat of losing that person all together. Once you let the cat out of the bag, it is hard to get it back in (anyone who has tried to get a cat to do anything can attest to that!). You risk the person not only rejecting your love but also ending your friendship altogether. This can be due to his own uncomfortable feelings or because he already has someone that he feels the need to be loyal to. Continuing the friendship with you can be seen as being disloyal so you not only don’t get a partner but you also lose a friend. I don’t know if there is a feeling more devastating than abandonment. Perhaps it is because it is a rejection of such a basic need, the need to be loved. But when you feel the rejection of abandonment, it can trigger all sorts of fears and anxieties of not being lovable at all. This side effect can reverberate in your life for years.

Powerlessness- I wasn’t quite sure this was a word before looking it up, but it is truly descriptive of a negative side effect of expressing love to another person. You are literally giving that person the power to break your heart. Once you express your feelings, you have given up any pretense or any possibility of having the upper hand. This sounds so conniving but let me explain. When you are falling in love with someone, you try to do things to show your love and hope that he/she gets the message. You also try to protect yourself from giving away too much for fear of being rejected. But once you actually take the courageous step of saying how you feel out loud to your partner, your power is gone. Now he/she has command of the relationship. Your partner is now the one who will determine what happens next. Will you hear the words you hope to hear? Will you be feeling regret and self-recriminations? Will your relationship move forward? It is all out of your hands. When you say those words for the first time, you give up any control you may have had and must wait for the reaction of the other person.

With all of these drawbacks, it is incredible that anyone ever says those 3 little words to anyone else. So why do we do it at all? We do it because love can be a miracle in your life. When you say those words to the right person, they have the potential to change your life completely. Just as the Avett Brothers were born to write, compose, and sing their incredible music and lyrics, we were all created to feel the magic of love. Romantic love can be a risky venture, but the benefits far outweigh the pitfalls. And that’s a trade-off I’m willing to take.

Live and Die

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

I have started another blog which focuses on some of the spiritual insights that I have discovered for myself since last summer. One of the posts I was working on dealt with the choice to move from a viewpoint of fear to one of love. I first read about this in Gabrielle Bernstein’s best seller, The Universe Has Your Back. I have started and deleted the post about 4 times now because I couldn’t think of how to write about it without a) committing direct plagiarism and b) sounding like a granola eating snob. Then this morning this lovely song came on my iPhone, and that wonderful thing called synchronicity happened. It turns out that this song actually has some parallels to this topic. So you lucky readers get to hear about fear and love instead.

Fear like a habit, 
run like a rabbit out and away.
Through the screen door 
to the unknown.

I really like how the Avett Brothers describe fear in this part of the song. The habit of making decisions from fear leads to the first discovery I made this past summer. 1. Approaching life from an attitude of fear can be so addicting. People let fear take control when they think the worst of others and about the situations in which they find themselves. It becomes an automatic response which can take over your life if it isn’t pointed out to you. When I used to “choose fear” as Gabby calls it, I would always think about the worst possible outcomes instead of showing more trust in the Universe. Isolation is a common feeling when you live by fear. Preparing for the worst may have protected me from getting hurt but it also made me stuff down my dreams in the hopes of avoiding disappointment (newsflash: I still was disappointed).

2. Anxiety and the need to control everything are byproducts of living a life in fear. Anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack can attest to how your thoughts can scamper from one possible disaster to another as quickly as any rabbit hopping away. This feeling of being out of control is what anxiety felt like to me. It turns out always trying to control outcomes isn’t what we’re meant to do in life. Our human brains can only take so much until this need to be in control ends up breaking us to the point of not being able to do the simplest tasks. When I was in the midst of a panic attack, I couldn’t even hold a conversation. I shook and fidgeted on the sofa as my family would try to soothe me. Something as simple as drinking a sip of water was a monumental task. Nonstop fearful thoughts can actually lead to a total loss of control.

3. Living in fear of life never takes you closer to your soul purpose. You may reach a goal but it probably won’t be as amazing as it could be because of your fear of reaching for more. You can’t reach for the stars when you are metaphorically afraid of heights. Digging deep to find and carry out your life purpose can be the scariest thing you ever attempt to do. But the rewards of giving up the fear can’t be overstated. One of the hundreds of self-improvement books that I have read is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Such a brilliant title for the act of deciding to go after what you really want in life. I have surprised myself through the years when I have taken that deep breath and just did what feared me most. It has led to a wonderful career, some great relationships, and great destinations like London and Toronto. I believe your soul purpose can evolve as mine has. Circumstances led me to reluctantly let go of my original soul purpose of raising a family, However, because I now look at my life through a lens of love I instead am grateful for the children I have seen grow up both in my family and in my 28 year career as an educator. Looking with love lets you see the blessings all around you instead of the regrets of what is missing.

4. Past fears can be so insidious that future decisions are tainted by them. Gabby explains that fear from the past can infect you in the present and the future. Even when facing my fear and opening my heart led to it being broken, looking back at it through a loving lens helps me realize that expressing my feelings was brave and brought me closer to who I want to be every day. The Avett Brothers talk about this great leap forward later on in the song.

Left like a pharaoh, 
sing like a sparrow anyway.
Even if there is no land or
love in sight.

We bloom like roses, 
leave like Moses out and away.
Through the bitter crowd 
to the daylight

Living in the present moment is singing like a sparrow even though things may not be as perfect as you would like. In this moment, we are alive. We can choose to change our thoughts from fearful and anxious ones to peaceful ones in an instant. When you can finally live in the present moment and not let the past or the future invade its peace, it is like walking towards the daylight and blooming into our true selves. This is something I try to do moment by moment, and I admit I fail at it as often as I get it right. But it’s the choice not to let past losses that keeps me hopeful for more love in the future.

5. Choosing love over fear means living an authentic life. Living authentically is impossible to do when you decide to let fear keep you quiet or to present yourself in a manner you think will be acceptable to most people. The last lines of this song reflect the advantage of choosing love over fear.

You and I, we’re the same.
Hear my voice, know my name,
you and I, you and I.

Living life from a perspective of love doesn’t mean wearing rose-colored glasses. It means being brave enough to let the world see you for who you really are. It means being willing to let your voice be heard even if it is in direct contrast to what others are saying. It also levels the playing field as far as the people in your life go. You could love someone with your whole heart but if you think that person is “better” than you, then you are missing the point. We are all part of the same great being that created us. The labels for this creator are different (i.e. God, the Universe, the Divine) but the truth imparted is identical: we are all equal because we are part of the same creator, and we are all worthy of great love. We can lead good lives if we make choices with this small sentence but big idea in mind. You are worthy because you are you. Social status, money, looks…none of that matters when you have a mindset of love. Your truth needs to come out in order to have peace in your life. While not always easy to do, the results you will see will bring a sweet serenity for having tried. Whenever you can in the future, remember this peppy little song that holds a whole lot of truths. Choose love over fear.

All My Mistakes

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I have gone through a spiritual awakening over the past 6-8 months that has slowly changed how I view the world. Reading authors like Gabrielle Bernstein and Radleigh Valentine have opened my eyes to a different kind of energy in the world that Rad summons up in one little word: magic! While I am not as ethereal and enthusiastic as Mr. Valentine is about the Universe and the Angels that help navigate us through this journey called life, I do now view things like miracles and affirmations as daily experiences. In fact, my viewpoint on life and the obstacles that are thrown in our way has completely changed. Another spiritually minded woman named Leanne Juliette (she is awesome…check her website or on youtube) shared her mantra with me a few months ago, and it has stuck with me like glue:

Things happen for us, not to us,

Such a simple statement yet holding a powerful message. If we change how we view supposed obstacles or misfortunes, we can learn and grow stronger from them. This mantra seems to fit in with the spirit of the lyrics of the song “All My Mistakes”.

I made decisions some right and some wrong
And I let some love go I wish wasn’t gone
These things and more I wish I had not done

But I can’t go back
And I don’t want to
‘Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you

What a great way of looking back at the events in your life that usually make you cringe. Seeing mistakes as twists and turns that led you to the person you love, the job you excel in , the house that became your home, That is such a more positive viewpoint than succumbing to the self-critical nonsense we normally subject ourselves to when reflecting on the past. Lately I have had the chorus lyrics running around my head, and I couldn’t figure out why. Now I think I know.

My go to response whenever anyone tells me about something that has gone wrong is to say “I’m sorry”. Although I think there are lots of us out there who do this, people often look at me surprised and say something to the effect of it’s not your fault. I recently realized that I do this on default because I have always felt responsible for the emotional climate of any situation in which I was involved. I grew up with a highly functioning alcoholic father who did his best for his family but who did have moments of imparting emotional and/or mental cruelty. There were too many situations during my childhood where I can remember “feeling out” the room to see if my father was approachable or in one of his silent and withdrawn moods. It felt too often like we had to walk on eggshells when he was around for fear of angering him. While never physically abusive, he was also not physically demonstrative with his love or even tolerance of his children. This led me to feel responsible for any negative change in his behavior when really what changed my Dr. Hyde father into Mr. Jekyll was his over-reliance on alcohol.

I used to be angry about this because I felt like this treatment led to so many problems in my life including anxiety and depression. I blamed my poor choices regarding boyfriends as a direct result of being emotionally abandoned by my father due to his alcoholism and his never-ending work life. But all this did was make me feel guilty about putting all the blame on my father. He truly did his best, and I know he loved me because he showed me through his actions. It wasn’t his fault that as an Italian immigrant he didn’t know how to speak and parent 3 very Americanized daughters in the 1970s.

But being on this side of a spiritual awakening means that I realize that I wouldn’t be the empathetic and caring person I am today without those experiences. It also means that I can now see how attempting to “fix” other people and situations is not only useless but also harmful to all involved. So these twists and turns in my maturing self led me to the person I am today, a person I am proud to be. All my mistaken beliefs, errors in judgement, poor choices, and irreversible decisions led me to ME. The person I am today has values, boundaries, and expectations when it comes to all relationships. Changing how I viewed my past has transformed how my future will unravel.

I encourage you to take some time to look at the mistakes in your life that you would do anything to change. Now look for the good that occurred because of that mistake. Maybe it made you more sympathetic. Maybe it made you realize how important communication is in a relationship. However hard it may seem, look for that golden nugget of growth that is hidden within your most painful mistakes. Then take that growth and use it to help build you into the best version of YOU possible. Consider it your own soul recycling program where bad feelings like shame and hatred are changed into enlightenment and freedom. It is so worth the effort.

Slight Figure of Speech

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This is a distinctive favorite song for me. The reason it’s distinctive? It’s not a love song. I admit, I’m a hopeless romantic who could spend hours listening to the tortured lyrics and harmonies of the Brothers and be perfectly happy (well, actually broody but that’s beyond the point). “Speech” is a completely different kind of song whose meaning I’m still unraveling. However, one of the clear messages I get from the song is the importance of being yourself and not doing what the “others” (i.e. fans, media) say.

They said “I hope that you will never change”
I went and cut my hair
They say “Don’t take your business to the big time”
I bought us tickets there

This antagonistic attitude that Scott seems to spit out with each word is one that I admire in others. I‘m such a rule follower that I sometimes bore myself. Of course, rules are there for a reason., but sometimes the reason just isn’t good enough. When I see other people going against the norm in order to express their true selves, it is so attractive. I never liked cliques in school but often found myself in a few not because I had so much in common with the other members but because I let myself be transformed by their expectations. The people I showed my true self to are some of the friendships I still maintain today. I love the courage and self-belief that goes along with making such a public statement of self. I admire free spirits even if I don’t always hold the same beliefs that they do.

Being a free spirit who is a musician seems to go hand in hand. The chorus of this song carries a common message of the struggle between the public and private sides of being popular musicians.

A slight figure of speech
I cut my chest wide open
They come and watch us bleed
Is it art like I was hoping now?

Sometimes exposing yourself in your art comes at a very high price. It’s clear once you listen to more than 2 or 3 songs that the Avett Brothers write highly personal songs. I’m sure when they started out they were thrilled when people started asking questions about their songs and their meanings. However, as they became more popular perhaps the idea of nightly exposing on stage their deepest emotional scars got to be a bit cumbersome. While writing the songs may be therapeutic, I can easily see that having to rehash them when speaking to reporters or fans could do more damage than good . There is also the balance of the record “business” side of their music and the “artistic” side that can become uneven especially when you throw their young families into the mix. To me this resonates because I have often blurred the lines between my career and my personal life. Although many people view teaching as a “skill” to be honed, I view it more as an art. When I can blend the right elements together, the learning that takes place can be considered a masterpiece or even a miracle. But sometimes my dedication to the profession has led me to neglect other areas of my life. In order to continue in this profession, I have had to balance out the amount of time and of money (for supplies, new books, materials not provided by the district) that I dedicated to it. I’m sure others have had to balance out their work and home lives because of their young families as well. Whenever you are trying to find a middle ground between two constants, I think there is always questioning of it being a 50-50 split and even if it should be.

The theme of expressing yourself no matter the opposition continues in what I call the “rap section” of the song. It sounds like this style of music as Scott rattles off a list of ideals that are nonnegotiable to him.

What did you expect
And what did you forget
That to live you must let go of me with each step
It becomes a progression I won’t let regret manifest
To aggression
Are you to assess what I’ve been? What I am? Or become?
Did you stop to accept how pathetically dumb
It can be to
Attack those around ’cause you’re
True to color, a town, a time, or a place?
It’s not you, it’s not mine
And besides it is gone
And you never will find it again
But I don’t want to fight
I just ask let me be
I won’t give the chance to be my enemy
So go home
Think it through

I believe that part of what Scott is singing about has to do with how people change as they age. He is telling us that we can’t expect him to write the same song over and over again. Because the band is a living structure, it is going to change whether fans and critics like it or not. The same can be said for all of us. If we are truly living our authentic lives, then change becomes a constant. I know I am not the same woman I was 5 years ago or even 5 months ago. As we break out of our different cocoons, we transform (hopefully) into new and improved versions of ourselves. When others around us don’t appreciate this, conflict occurs. Not letting “…regret manifest to aggression” means not saying no to the chances that life gives you to transform despite what others may think. The people who remain stuck in the past and in the way things have always been done are the people who don’t support growth in others. These are the people that Scott is calling out to in this song. While it’s fine to have a preference for a certain time period in the Avett Brothers catalogue, the artistic side of the band is asking to give the new music a chance because it is a reflection of who they are now. By the same token, when you love someone you have to let them be free to change and grow even if you are afraid to let the old version of them go. When you can do that, you know you are in a truly balanced and healthy relationship. We need to do this not only in romantic relationships, but also with platonic ones and familial ones. Everyone deserves the right to change and grow with the support of those who love him/her.

So the English teacher in me can’t let the title go without a little analysis. A figure of speech is defined as a non-literal interpretation of a word or phrase for a vivid or rhetorical effect. I wonder if this title was chosen because the band doesn’t want to be pigeon holed into one category of music. If you’re willing to be the kind of fan that the Avett Brothers want, you won’t think of one specific kind of music when you hear a new album is coming out. Instead, you will get excited to hear what their latest creations are like. Nobody wants to feel like a round peg in a square hole, but maybe it’s okay to not to fit in with the crowd. Maybe it’s about creating your own round shape into which you can rest before time brings about more changes. I hope you all find your own comfortable niche without having to lose your authentic self or the quality people in your life.

Silly video…the song starts around 2:17

Ten Thousand Words

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

As a writer the most important tools I have are the words I choose. On some of my posts it can take over an hour just to have a sentence convey the message I have in my head or heart. When it comes to speaking, I often stumble over my words and part of the reason may be because I’m so fastidious about my word choice ( I considered using the “persnickety” and “anal” for fastidious which shows you how crazy I can be with word choice). More than once in my life I have had to rely on the written word to express myself when any other person would probably just have a conversation face to face. Words are precious to me, and I honor the power that they can have when I use them.

There are song writers (beyond the obvious topic of this blog) who have inspired and motivated me with their selective word choice. Bruce Springsteen expressed my main romantic malaise in “Hungry Heart” before I even knew what the word malaise meant. U2 wrote a lyric so beautiful and inspiring that I have it tattooed on my arm (“Grace makes beauty/Out of ugly things”). Poets like , W.H. Auden, Langston Hughes, and Sylvia Plath made me awestruck in college with the overwhelming feelings communicated through their poetry. Jen Sincero, Jen Lancaster, Shonda Rhimes, and Jack Canfield have motivated me to change both my mindset and my life through their transformational books. The written word has been my lifeline through so many heartaches and disappointments.

However, I know that words can also be used as weapons and I have been hurt by more than one careless phrase or another (I also have done my share of hurting). I think once we realize the power that words can have over someone else we suddenly lose a bit of the purity of our soul. As we have all experienced, young children often are unaware of the repercussions of some of the things they say. I know I have laughed out loud more than once when a young child has said something inappropriate or a little too true to my face. But once we learn that we can hurt others with our words, the possibility of using them in an intentionally malicious manner takes some of our innocence away. Bullying and the formation of cliques in school are often the first tastes of cruelty that many children experience. Words then can become a double-edged sword that we wield to show our dominance over another person’s feelings while actually making us less of a caring person.

The Avett Brothers sing about the complexity of words in “Ten Thousand Words”. They begin by talking about the very real complication of overthinking a problem leading to a lack of action.

Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Overthinking is one of the most damaging forms of self-sabotage because of the ability of the words to confuse and distort the truth we are looking for. It is a self-absorbed process even when it concerns the welfare of another person. While we may fool ourselves into believing that we are trying to come to the best decision for all involved, what we are really end up doing most of the time is to frustrate and anger ourselves and the people we care for. Relying only on how your mind manipulates words is a sure-fire way to lead yourself into a wrong decision. Tuning into your soul and your higher self through acts like meditation or following your intuition are difficult but helpful ways to let all the words go and make decisions in a more productive way.

They go on to comment on how it seems like everyone has an opinion on most topics regardless of their familiarity of the topic. The chorus seems to point a finger at all of us and right back at the band.

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

Whether it’s gossip, the latest political scandal, or what the Kardashians are up to, we all can pontificate when around certain people. As wrong as I know it to be, I often find myself smack in the middle of a gossip fest once I’m with a certain crowd of people. And whileI have the democratic right to slag off any idiot in office, I have to admit that I sometimes base my words on my emotional response to something he/she has said. I often don’t have the complete facts about the situation. I’m not saying my opinion would change if I had them but I am saying that I recognize myself in the chorus. My words shouldn’t hold the same weight as the words of someone who actually is familiar with the facts but they do. This is probably made worse by social media and the ability to write opinions in blogs like this one. Right or wrong, words have become public in a much more widespread way and without credentials or needed relation to the truth.

So what is the final verdict on words? Well, I think it is as complicated as some people view faith. If your faith is used to help make you a better person, then it is a positive attribute. Conversely, if you use your faith as a way to judge and to condemn other people then it is a negative trait. It is all in how you use it. The ending lyrics of this song appeal to me so much because they seem to be intent on expressing love despite the misguided words of others.

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

I think the stanza is expressing the difference of what “others” (i.e. the press, their fans) THINK they know about them and what is actually true. The band members know that the words of the people they go home to are the only ones worth hearing. The opinions of others are too sullied and/or too clouded by fandom to reflect any personal truths. To me the line “…the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you” expresses their realization that their families are their haven from the sometimes clashing and confusing opinions of the outside world.

When it comes to the power of words in your life, I hope you will think about these points:

  1. If you are allowing words to play over and over in your head, be sure you’re not allowing them to keep you or someone you care about stuck.
  2. Be careful in the words you use in anger or judgement because they are revealing more about you than the intended target.
  3. Be liberal when trying to build up another person with your words because it could be just the saving grace they need.
  4. Look for inspiration in the written and spoken words of others (thank you U2, Bruce Springsteen, and Avett Brothers).
  5. When listening to the opinion of others, consider both the source and their true motivations.
  6. Always go back to your trusted family and friends for the truth.

Nowhere near 10,000 words, but hopefully you can find some authenticity in them anyway.

In The Curve

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Bravery is a tough concept to pin down sometimes. There are the obvious acts of bravery performed by firefighters, police officers, and everyday heroes who risk their own lives to protect another. Then there are the way too many courageous patients battling cancer, dementia, and other horrible diseases as they wake each day forced to face their mortality and the effect their illness has on their loved ones. The families left behind are also obvious candidates for the bravery title. I think it would be hard to find anyone who would argue with these examples of courageous people.

However, there is a gray area when it comes to bravery. This word gets thrown around a lot and can be overused to the point of it being a misnomer. For instance, I get called “brave” whenever I change my hair color. In the past 5 years I have had hair colors ranging from turquoise to silver to purple (it’s currently pink). During the course of a week there are usually one or two people who state how brave I am (just as many people tell me how crazy I am). I always shake my head in amazement because it sounds nonsensical to me. Here’s the thing about hair: it grows. And if you don’t like the color you choose, you can always have it taken out or covered with another color. What is so brave about that? I consider bravery to be an act where you do something that scares you because of how your life can be changed as a result. Pink hair isn’t going to make or break my life.

There are so many songs that the Avett Brothers have written that have elements of true emotional bravery. Almost all of the songs I’ve written about so far have a sense of fearlessness when it comes to expressing emotions. For men in particular, this seems to be a very tricky and intimidating thing to do. The harm that could come from expressing the truth has kept more than one man from coming forward with his true feelings. This makes me believe that emotional pain can be less tolerable to some men than physical pain. And this leads us to this post’s song, “In the Curve”.

Seth details a reckless, drunken car ride in his beloved “..63 Ford” on a “slip n slide highway” one rainy night.

I’ve never taken this curve
Drivin’ this fast before
A glowing stop sign
But both lanes are mine
No seat belts attached to my door

Well my speed meter don’t work
So I’m gonna to guess ninety-five
Well maybe I’ll fix it
And maybe I won’t
It depends on my being alive

That last line in particular encapsulates the recklessness that is the basis for this song. We don’t hear about why this driver has been drinking or why he is taking such a chance behind the wheel, but it isn’t hard to imagine a whole list of reasons because many of us have been there before. Part of why the Avett Brothers are so beloved by their fans is their ability to write about topics that are so relatable. The fact that Seth sings forlornly about his bottle of bourbon which has flown out the window adds a dark humor to the song that makes me laugh and feel sorry for him at the same time. He really seems to care more for the lost bottle than for the chances he is taking with his life. He hints at a woman being at the heart of his upset when he sings about her maybe finding the bottle one day.

So if ever you find it
My photo will go behind it
In memory of me on your shelf

He makes light of dying throughout the song. Now some people may say that this is a brave act because surely everyone is afraid to die. But the truth of the matter is that for some troubled souls the emotional turmoil that they are trapped in can make death seem like a relief. Of course, it is a good possibility that the fascination that some people have with driving fast, living fast, and dying young is really a way to get away from the emotional pain that surrounds them daily. In fact, I think this whole song is the perfect allegory showing the path that many addicts and troubled teens face. The lucky ones make it to the last stanza of this song,

Well I lost control in the curve
And a gas line broke in the wreck
I walked from the ashes
With just a few scratches
My crucifix warm on my neck

Well my good Lord was with me tonight
Just ridin’ beside me tonight
And now we’re just talking
We’re hitch hiking walkin’
We’ll see you in Concord tonight

Discovering spirituality, religion, or any kind of Divine presence in your life can save you from a multitude of evils with self-loathing being at the top of your list. Scott seems to be referring (in his quirky, down-to-earth way)to his own spiritual revelation when he talks about Jesus walking into his hometown (Concord, NC) with him. This is the bravery that every addict must face when he/she hits rock bottom. While the car ride was reckless and would put the fear of God into me, it wasn’t the brave part of this song. The analogy of surrendering it all and starting over is what strikes me as truly heroic.

Nelson Mandela said “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”. I’m glad that whatever demons were haunting Seth didn’t defeat him because if they did, we wouldn’t have these wonderful songs. If you are in a similar situation and feel like dying is less scary than living, please reach out to someone. 1-800-273-8255 is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and always has someone to listen. Be brave and be willing to try again tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe pink IS your color.

Divorce Separation Blues

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

I read an interview with Seth Avett about his motivation for writing this highly personal song about his first marriage breaking apart. He said that he realized that there weren’t a lot of songs out there with “divorce” as the subject, and that surprised him considering how high the divorce rate is. While going through a divorce has been the catalyst for lots of songs, not many have the word divorce in their title. So that is why he wanted to create a song that was clearly talking about the end of a marriage. Here are the opening lines:

I’m gonna keep on living
Even though I sometimes do
Fantasize about disappearing
Down in the ocean blue
Just to get some peace and quiet
From the warfare inside my heart
Well I’ve been under ear-splitting fire
Ever since we’ve been apart
Well I’m gonna wash the dishes
Pay the bills and watch the news
I’ve got the tough education
No celebration
Divorce separation blues

I think he does a great job encapsulating in one verse how a lot of people get through the end of their marriages simply by putting one foot in front of the other. You have your low moments when you feel like “disappearing/down in the ocean blue” but most days you just get on with your daily life…at least on the outside. The inner turmoil that most people feel as they go through a divorce is filled with a menage of feelings: anger, hurt disappointment, relief, and sadness just to name a few. As someone who hasn’t been married, I can only shake my head in sympathy for all the couples that I know who have gone through this painful process.

However, part of me used to be curiously jealous of these people. I know that sounds insane, but let me explain. People normally don’t get married one day and divorced the next (unless you’re Nicolas Cage). So even though the period leading up to a divorce is often a sad and disheartening time of life, I’m sure that there were times at the beginning of the relationship that brought much joy. Their love and joy was acknowledged not only by their spouses but also by their friends, family, and even coworkers. Having your love recognized by a church, temple, synagogue, or city hall must be affirming and pleasurable. Never having a wedding ceremony, the closest I came to having my relationships recognized by anyone are the countless number of times in my twenties my grandmother would check my wedding ring finger and ask me (in Italian) if I was engaged yet. I also think that once I got into my 40s my family just stopped expecting me to ever be in a committed relationship and were fine with it since I was happy and successful in other areas of my life. To be honest, I sometimes felt invisible whenever the topic of conversation turned to boyfriends, husbands, or young families. This was before I understood that I had value and importance just being the person God made me to be.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason and know that many people use the lessons they have learned through their divorce to help them make better choices in any new relationships they may form.. I know of more than one couple who have gone through divorces and found more stable, loving, and long lasting marriages the second time around. It’s like it took the failure of the first marriage to make them aware of the kind of partnership that they really wanted. They were able to use their failed marriage as a stepping stone to an even brighter future. I, on the other hand, managed to have the same exact relationships with a string of men. This is hardly unique but when you realize it, it can feel like you’re the only one in the world who makes this kind of mistake. You see, I have a pattern of falling for men who care for me but not quite enough to make that final commitment. I know I’m not the only person who has this Achilles heel, and I so admire people who are able to dust themselves off and take this outright rejection with their dignity in tact. My experiences have been so different. Even though I’m quite open when I’m writing, I’m tightlipped when it comes to talking about my disappointments and pain. I guess I felt like since I wasn’t in a committed relationship with some of these men then I didn’t have the right to complain when they suddenly disappeared from my life.

Another “perk” of divorce is that many people (usually women) surprise themselves with how they are able to carry on and take on all of the responsibilities that were once shared by two. I have seen so many people (usually women) blossom once they are out of a bad marriage. They lose weight, take on new positions at work, become more organized (especially if children are involved), update their appearance, and have a cascade of confidence that seems to build once the mourning process and shock of losing a marriage is experienced. Don’t get me wrong…I realize this doesn’t happen quickly or without a lot of pain and hard work. But those divorced individuals are usually recognized and supported by friends in rebuilding their lives and carrying on as if they even had a choice. Since I’ve been single my entire life, people always expected me to be able to do things like have my oil changed every 3000 miles, take out the garbage, and handle the financial aspects associated with a mortgage. So when I failed at any (or all) of those things, I was super critical of myself. I spoke harshly to myself in a way I never would have to a friend or family member who made the same mistakes.

Reading over how I have handled things in the past, I can’t help but wince. I’ve made so many mistakes and underestimated myself so much. I’m a much stronger person now, and I realize that this is due to the learning that came from my experiences Giving away my power, pretending I was fine, and choosing to wallow in my failures is exactly the opposite of what Seth sings about in the opening lines. As I have built up my spiritual practices, I have started to realize that I deserve so much more than I have received in the area of love. I am a generous and supportive partner who deserves the same in a lover. And I’m in no position to be envious of anyone else who was in pain and took the steps needed to get help. Everyone is going through their own journey, and most times we wouldn’t trade our sorrows with theirs for anything in the world. In trying to let go of the last man I’ve loved, I discovered how unbalanced our friendship was. If I’m being truthful, I always wanted more than he could give. He has moved on, and I wish him well. It is my intention to do the same despite what my heart may say.

When I first heard this song, it really wasn’t one of my favorites. It has a easy-going tone that I felt belittled the message it was sending. But now I’m happy that it is sung in such a light-hearted way because it takes away some of the sting of being able to relate a little too much with the lyrics.

I’ve got the tough education
No celebration
Bad communication
Worse interpretation
Love deprivation
Pain allocation
Soul devastation
Cold desolation
Life complication
Resuscitation
Divorce separation blues

You don’t need a discarded wedding ring or signature on a legal piece of paper to sing these blues. Just don’t allow yourself to become mired in the misery. We all will reach the other side, and I think that is the message Seth would want for the legacy of this song.

Every Morning Song

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes the chorus of a song can be annoyingly trite. Just a way to make the title of a song sink in with the hopes that it makes it memorable. This is so not the case with “Every Morning Song”. The Avett Brothers buried a golden nugget of great advice in 3 little lines.

Even though I know there’s hope/In every morning song/I have to find that melody alone

At first glance it seems that Scott is singing about finding solace in a series of one night stands. The first stanza of the song is full of regret and an aching longing for someone who has left him. He admits he’s been “thinking about drinking again” which along with meaningless sex are just substitutes for coming to terms with his loss. I’m interpreting the “morning song” as a potential new relationship which will save him from himself. He not only accepts that the person who left him may have stopped caring about him but seems to welcome it because he knows that he must work out what’s wrong with himself on his own.

People with addictions have to either face this moment of truth or die. Some of the recovering addicts who I have known in my life each made a choice of either doing the work of recovery or going through the motions of it. It can be so painful to watch someone you love pretend that they have done “the work”, the self-reflection and often painful journey of looking inward to heal what is hurting them so much that they need to reach for the next pill, needle, or bottle. Relapse is often the consequence for not doing the steps for yourself. But once you witness someone actually do this work and rebuild his/her life, it literally is a miracle! It’s a miracle you wish that any addict you know could experience. But no amount of encouragement, love, or wishing will be the catalyst. That spark has to come from and follow through with the addict.

Addicts aren’t the only ones who struggle with finding the melody in life. This is a truth that we all have to accept one day. The joy and contentment of being loved by someone you adore will not fix any problem you have with yourself. The melody of being in balance in your heart and soul is essential if you want to find any peace in your life. The “perfect” relationship may whitewash a low self-image or self-loathing that you feel deep in your soul. But deep down you will still be broken and feel less than unless you too do the work and heal your inner wounds. And as much as our partners may want to help out (i.e. fix us) each person has to go through that dark night of the soul alone. It really is a paradox because until you can be happy without a romantic partner and totally love yourself you can’t find that kind of contentment in a relationship. There will always be something blocking you from hearing or feeling the melody in life.

The melody in life goes beyond a romantic relationship. It can be the harmony you feel when working with others who have the same goal as you. It can be the happiness you feel when you finally find the work/home life balance you’ve been seeking. It can be the satisfaction of reaching a long held goal. Whatever type of melody that you’re seeking to establish in your life, be sure to nurture yourself along the way. It can be easy to give up or feel pessimistic about your chances of harmony. People on whom you thought you could depend will let you down. Your self-made timeline may be stretched until you just feel like quitting. Seth sings about this particular obstacle:

Hurt so bad
More than I expected that it would
Worse than that
It seems to be lasting just a little
Longer than it should

I believe that the Universe or God has its own divine timing. Don’t lose hope because things aren’t unfolding as quickly or neatly as you would like. You can find melody in your life if you remain hopeful and committed to it. Despite the despairing tone of this song, it really can be a rallying call to remember that every day is a new opportunity to start over, to heal ourselves, and to love again. That’s a morning song I’d love to wake up to every day.