True Sadness

When I first started listening to the Avett Brothers, I noticed that their songs were very heavy with negative emotions. There were songs about lost love, death, divorce, and regret. Even the musical instruments they used gave off a melancholic sound that added to the misery coming from the song. The deep bass sounds and tangy banjo licks sounded like wails coming from some wounded animal. My romantic, codependent, and miserable old soul just loved these moody songs. The grimmer, the better. That is why I was so surprised when I realized that the song, “True Sadness”, actually has an upbeat melody. Their song “Divorce Separation Blues” is another one that was more jovial than the title would suggest. I guess this can be categorized as not judging a book by its cover.

This song actually seems to be about expressing gratitude to a friend who has stood by the writer even through his worst moments. It also talks about how most people wear masks to hide the pain felt inside. This reminds me of how the kids who act out the most in school are usually dealing with the worst home lives. Because I try to make my classroom a safe space for my inner city students, I know that something is deeply wrong if a child acts out. There is almost always something heartbreaking going on in his/her life. A funnier example is when I have a very quiet child in my class. My radar goes off when I realize a child hasn’t contributed much to any class discussion despite doing great work during the first quarter. So, I always bring up my concern about the child’s quietness during first quarter report card conferences with parents. 9 times out of 10 the parent laughs in my face and says “I wish they were like that at home!”. The parent goes on to tell me how their child never shuts up at home and that I must be thinking of another child.

Of course, kids aren’t the only ones who wear masks. Even though I consider myself to be a person with great intuition, I have been fooled by many people. One of my former principals was supportive and friendly when I first met her. Anytime she came to my room, I only received praise and positive questions about what I was doing in my room. I, in turn, became a sounding board for her when she was grappling with issues at work. We developed what I thought was a true friendship. Her mask slipped as soon as I began speaking my mind about issues that she didn’t agree with Suddenly, I was persona non grata. She became vindictive and critical of my work. Her whole body language (which I don’t think can be masked) was closed off and haughty. I’m sure she had mental and emotional issues that I knew nothing about, but it came from so far out of left field that I was caught unaware. Once I saw evidence of her true nature, I felt ashamed and stupid for being tricked. That is something that shook me to my core because I always felt that my intuition about people was usually on point. The fact that she changed her colors so quickly and so completely made me unsure of myself and my decisions.

As confusing and hurtful it was to lose what I thought was a friendship with this woman, it was nothing compared to how masks have played a role in my relationships. One guy who was super sweet to everyone else was for months emotionally abusing me with his words and actions. He put me down at every opportunity and made disparaging comments about my weight. Romantic gestures like holding doors and sending flowers were foreign to him. He was an alcoholic who spent his free time drinking at his local pub where he was easy-going, laid back, loving and kind to others, and jovial. Then we would go home and this ugly little man would appear. I wondered what happened between that bar stool and our bed. I put up with it for a while but then I had to leave. He had begun to talk about marriage, and I shudder to think what my life would be like if I had stayed just a few more weeks. His mask was solid concrete as people still believe to this day that he is a sweetheart, and I am the bitch who left him broken-hearted. It took years before I trusted another man with my heart. His mask led me to believe that he did have feelings when he didn’t. At that point, I had become fed up with masks and relationships and wanted never to feel that vulnerable again.

Since I have been spiritually awakened (sorry, I know that is an awkward term but it is very accurate), I have decided that I’m not going to let masks scare me anymore. Afterall, one of the biggest reasons that people mask their true feelings is because it keeps them from feeling vulnerable. If I pretend I don’t care about you, then maybe the feelings I really have will disappear. In the end, we all wear some kind of mask or another. I don’t go around telling people my deep dark feelings (well…uh…except on this blog) and am generally a positive person. Do I always feel that positive? No, especially lately. The thing about masks is that if a person really cares about you, he is going to be able to tell when you are wearing it. When someone really cares, he is going to take the time to unpeel the layers to find out what makes you tick. I am blessed to have so many people in my life who can tell within seconds that my mask is on. The hard part is admitting it. It feels wonderful to share your burden with someone else even if she can’t help you. But once you trust someone enough to let your true feelings known, you can at least be proud of the fact that you took the chance and for one small moment led a more authentic life.