And It Spread

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This is another of those Avett Brother songs that fans debate about. Some think it hints about a possible drug habit of one of the bandmates. Others think it originated from a fight between the brothers. I prefer to interpret it as the phenomenon that happens when you allow a positive or a negative attitude spread into different areas of your life. The singer notes how a lover leaving had the effect of making him feel cold and detached from the warmth of connecting with others which led to even more problems:

There was light in the room
Then you left and it was through
Then the frost started in
My toes and fingertips

And it spread
And it spread into my heart
And it spread
And it spread into my heart

Then for I don’t know how long
I settled in to doing wrong
And as the wind fills the sail
Came the thought to hurt my self

And it spread
And it spread into my home
And it spread
And it spread into my soul

While a breakup was probably the catalyst for this song, I think it accurately describes how having a negative outlook on one part of your life can infect other areas as well. Think about the last time you just woke up in a bad mood. Didn’t it follow you to work and back home? I guess it’s human nature but sometimes negativity is hard to compartmentalize. But just like the ending of this song, I prefer to take a more positive outlook on how life can play out:

Then you came back from space
With a brand new laugh and a different face
You took my hand and held it up
And shot my arm full of love

And it spread
And it spread into the world
And it spread
And it spread into the world

While Seth is proclaiming the power of being loved by someone else, I’d like to suggest that finding the strength inside yourself can help you (and those you care about) even more. What follows are a few lessons I have learned through changes in circumstance that started out with resignation and pessimism but ended up as a call to arms which is still affecting various parts of my life. As you read through them, I’m sure some of the realizations will ring true with you as well.

  1. Refuse to allow disappointment in one area of your life affect the good fortune you have in other areas. I learned this recently when I began to allow my failure to get to the truth in one part of my life taint my view on my career. I thought I had handled one area of my personal life in such a mature and spiritually appropriate manner. While I don’t want to go into details, let’s just say that Hannah Montana handled her personal problems in a more adult way than I did. I started to let these mistakes taint how mentally strong I am. I started to doubt professional decisions I used to be able to make in my sleep. Even though I had one of the sweetest and funniest classes ever, I was beginning to long for the end of the school year (so I could spend more time ruminating over my past mistakes in my love life). I had already given up on anything positive happening in one area of my life and then allowed it to spread into my opinion of how the rest of my life was going. By being super-focused on what I didn’t get, I forgot about the blessings I did have.
  2. Don’t allow others to ignore you or treat you harshly. But then something happened. I went to a meeting and heard about an ugly reaction to a problem our school is dealing with. Basically, we will not be an elementary school next year, and all of our kids will be shipped off to other schools. Most of the teachers (not including those who want to teach middle school) will be transferred as well. Without going into detail, let’s just say that people who were supposed to have our backs didn’t seem too concerned about our problem but were VERY concerned about how it was going to affect other schools. No one took into account how we were feeling or the effect this was going to have on our students. Instead, the reaction was “how are THOSE kids going to affect my classroom”. While this reactive self-protection attitude might be understandable and perhaps to be expected, I was enraged by it. I expected to hear messages of support from this group but instead heard about their complaints. This led me to do something out of the ordinary for me: I stood up and complained. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Well, I was done with consenting and ready to answer these complaints with a pointed response of reality.
  3. Being assertive doesn’t make you an asshole. I went home and thought about how hurtful and unsupportive these people had been to us as a faculty. We are a small public school in a big district, and our students are among the poorest in the area. Most of the teachers who are in our building have been here for a good chunk of time and would have happily stayed here until retirement. But as I’ve stated in other blog posts, that isn’t for me. In fact, I had already requested a transfer and was starting to get excited about the next leg of my journey. However, this meeting changed my focus. Now instead of looking forward to a new experience, I was like a mother bear defending her cubs. How dare these people complain when our students were the ones who were going to be faced with going to a new school in the fall. Our entire faculty was going to be separated and some are nervous about even having a position in the first place. I decided I wasn’t going to sit back and let life happen to me anymore. When you have experienced punch after punch in one area of your life, it is so easy to just put up your hands defensively when an attack comes in another area. This is when you have to dig in deep and say “No more!” As much as I hated confrontation, I knew that if I just let this happen with no comment I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror. I also knew that if no one commented on the rejection of our students and staff assimilating into “their” schools that the pessimism would spread without a second thought. I constructed a professional but heated email to the head of this group of people…and ended up spending a better part of an hour editing and revising lines. But as I reworked the email, my resolve grew stronger. This wasn’t right and I wasn’t going to just sit by and let it continue. I felt this pride and glowing feeling spread just as Seth sings about. Normally, I would shake my head and exclaim the defeatist slogan “What can we do about it?” But by refusing to let this virtual slap in the face go unnoticed, I broke a pattern of acquiescence and stood up for myself and my colleagues. We deserved better and I wasn’t concerned how complaining made me look to others. I was okay with the fact that I might not be universally liked anymore because of it.
  4. Risk-taking comes with its own rewards. I also decided that if it made me feel that good to stand up for my colleagues, our students, and myself , then maybe it would help others feel better too. Lately, as I walked through the hallways of our school, I saw a lot of drooped shoulders and heard a lot of sighs. Not knowing what the future held for us except a huge change was weighing heavily on everyone. Morale has been at an all-time low and this blow combined with the ridiculous pressure of state testing was proving to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. So I copied the letter and gave it to my colleagues with an explanation that I felt that someone had to stand up and defend us. As of the writing of this post (4 days after sending this email), I haven’t received a response or even an acknowledgement from the “powers that be”. However, what I have received is overwhelming support from the faculty. Some popped their heads into my room with a thumbs up. Others gave me a “Way to go, Fran!” as they passed me in the hall. My closest friends in the building were more than supportive and encouraged me as I was writing the letter which I had actually texted them the night before when I was worried that it was too harsh. One person even came into my room, hugged me, and began crying because I had worded exactly what she was feeling. These positive reactions from my colleagues allowed us to focus for at least one day on fighting back and standing up for what we knew what was unjust treatment. For at least one day, we were united as a faculty and were able to focus on the justice of finally standing up for ourselves and telling our truth to those who were so quick to dismiss us.

This blog has focused a lot on how the Divine or the Universe wants us to live by a higher law and to spread more love in this sometimes harsh and evil world. The Ego has been characterized as the reactive and less worthy human part of ourselves. But you know what? Sometimes listening to the Ego isn’t a bad thing. Instead of letting the Egos of others intimidate me and make me fall into my default response of accepting the unfair comments and judgements, I chose to fight back. And I didn’t fight back by turning the other cheek or meekly resigning to it while participating in the “woe is me” gossip train that was barreling through our building. While in the past I temporarily allowed the battles in my personal life to infect my professional life to the point of making me feel weak and ‘less than”, I now am ready to let this victory spur me on in all areas of my life. And this is a viral bad-ass attitude that I hope will spread into your life as well.

A Lot of Moving

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This song from the Avett Brothers seems to be talking about the life as a touring band. Since it was recorded back in 2002 when the brothers were much younger and without young families of their own, I’m sure their attitude on traveling from city to city was that it was a fun and exciting way to live.

A lot of movin’, A lot of rollin’
A lot of drivin’, A lot of strollin’
A lot of leavin’ here
A lot of arrivin’ there
Trying to go just about everywhere
A lot of thinking about where I’m going next

Country to my left side
Country to my right side
City to my left side
City on my right side
Banjos and back seats
Side roads and side streets
Well if you wanna stay for dinner
I’ll throw my suitcase in the river
A lot of drinkin’ here
And drinkin’ there
I’ll play and sing just about any damn where
A lot of thinkin’ about where I’m going next

That last line is what inspired me to write tonight. As an elementary teacher, I normally know by June what grade I’m teaching the next year. However, I haven’t had a traditional teaching career in that I have left many positions in order to follow what I felt what was the right next step for me. Logically, this isn’t exactly a smart thing to do because as I get close to 30 years of teaching (YIKES!) my retirement pension will be based on the last 3 years salary. Jumping from one district to another has meant to start over as far as salary goes. But the value of all the experiences and friendships I have had at the various districts have made me a better teacher and person.

Yet this year things are different. My school is being changed into a middle school so I’m going somewhere else no matter what. It is a much different thing to be TOLD you have to start over rather than choosing to begin again. So, my mind has been turning with all the different scenarios that could take place:

I could end up at a tolerable (i.e. good principal and staff) school within my district. I could end up being transferred to a school where I know I would not thrive as an educator. I could leave the district and/or area and start over in another district/area.

The first two decisions are totally out of my control which is why I’m a little unsure of them. The third choice is one I have done over and over again but which financially makes the least sense. It is also the choice I feel most comfortable making. At this point in my career, I know what I’m willing to put up with as far as the environment in which I teach. I also know I’m a damn good teacher who is always willing to learn more about her content and practice. I love my students and bend over backwards to help them believe in themselves. You would think that anxiety and worry would be my constant companions as these last few months of school roll by. But to my surprise, the opposite is true. An eerie sense of calm has come over me as I ponder the possibilities. In the past I’m sure this uncertainty would drive me crazy. Part of the reason I’m such a successful teacher is that I like routines and use them to help kids feel secure and confident in themselves and in their environment. So why isn’t this quandary throwing me into a tailspin? Well, here are a few possible reasons:

  1. I know the Universe has my back. Things like elementary schools converting to middle schools don’t happen every day (or every century for that matter). So that means there is a reason this is happening. I have learned through experience that changes in my employment always bring about their gifts and their lessons. While I may be a little wary of which lesson this change is going to bring, I know it will enrich my life.
  2. If I’m honest the “energy” of the building has been off for me for a long time now. I hate to go all “woo woo” on you, but this is actually something I learned to detect a long time ago when I was a visiting literacy coach in Rochester, NY.Part of my job involved me visiting 9 different schools within one district. I could get a feel for a building within the first 10 minutes of being there. I don’t mean whether or not there was good discipline or whether there were high achievers everywhere. No, the energy was a mix of the welcoming attitude (or lack of), the expectations of the staff in general, and something else that I just could never put my finger on. But what I did know is that school buildings have an energy that no one person can change. Although I don’t feel this move is in the best interests of our elementary students (which angers me so much…but that is a rant for another day), I do feel it will be best for the teachers who will be transferred.
  3. Compared to the turmoil in my personal life, my career is my solace. If you regularly read my blog, then I need to go into no detail there. If this is your first time visiting, let’s just say I don’t make the best decisions when it comes to my love life. I wish I could say this is a new thing but I have always been able to rely on three things in my life: the love and support of my friends and family; the disappointments that come along with choosing inappropriate men; and the gratification that teaching provides me. No matter how bad things get when it comes to my love life, my ability to work with kids every day helps me transcend the pain and reminds me what is really important in life.
  4. I know I’m a great teacher who is nowhere near being burnt out despite working in some difficult circumstances. Burn out is such a common experience in my field, and my opinion is that staying in one school or one grade level can contribute to burn out (although not as much as having an unsupportive administrator or being frustrated year after year by a district whose decisions seem to lack much thought around children). The urban district in which I work now is a place that has its share of burned out teachers (and administrators) and has driven many young teachers to seek out a new career field. Yet I’ve been successful in not only educating my students but in making relationships with families, students, and staff. Fans of Mr. Sinatra will have to forgive my slight rewording of his trademark song by saying “if I can teach here, then I can teach anywhere.”

My career at this point of my life is reminiscent of the carefree attitude of this song. My fervent wish for my co-workers is that they all end up in situation where their strengths can be best utilized and their welcome is warm and accepting. As for me, I know I’m going to be fine no matter where I end up. Whether I’m leaving here or arriving there, I will take on the breezy feel of this song with me.

Paranoia in B Flat Major

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Paranoia is defined as a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance. The fact that the Avett Brothers have written a love song with this word in the title makes me smile because I know that they will find a way to make it sound perfectly reasonable. Feeling paranoid is so foreign to what is present in a healthy relationship. Being able to recognize the symptoms of an unsound relationship and a balanced one is the gift I have found in “Paranoia in B Flat Major”.

The song starts off with the singer lamenting where he is at this point in his life:

I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I found myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I would never be
There’s people looking back at me

The singer is making a scene which is out of character for the people-pleaser in him. This really resonates with me because this has happened to me a few times in past relationships. I was trying so hard to keep my partner happy that I forgot to pay attention to the fact that I was miserable. When you spend too much time focusing on keeping everyone else happy, your ignored needs and frustrations are going to come out sooner or later. The ‘people looking back at me” are the people you have trained to expect nothing but smiles and compliance from you. A balanced relationship doesn’t give more significance to one person’s needs over another.

I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong

The singer is complaining about not being taken seriously by his friends. Because he has made mistakes in the past, he is envisioning his friends are condemning him to repeating the same mistakes. This perceived persecution can happen when you have been in a few too many unhealthy relationships. You feel like your current relationship is being judged on the merits of (or lack of) the past relationships. Depending on the opinions of others to evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship or not is a sure sign that relationship is not balanced. When you start to let the outside world dictate your boundaries, you have already abdicated control in the relationship. A balanced relationship is one where the only opinions and boundaries that truly matter are the ones between the partners.

There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
When we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?

Again, the “others” who invade the boundaries of a relationship can destroy any kind of trust and loyalty found in a healthy relationship. True freedom in a relationship doesn’t mean that each partner can do whatever he or she wants. The choice to value a third party, whether it be another person, a career, or an addiction, over your partner guarantees not only jealousy but also an unbalanced relationship where what “I” want is more important than what “we” want. A healthy relationship isn’t crowded. It truly is reminiscent of insanity because it throws off the intimacy that should be present between two souls. A balanced relationship is one where you can count on your partner to remember and value the importance of intimacy in your connection.

I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think
Baby I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to

About a decade ago the big thing in dating was a woman knowing “The Rules” and how use them to snag a partner. The main problem with that game-ship mindset is that love is not something that responds to strategy. Keeping things secret like your past, your mistakes, your dreams, and your fears creates the biggest obstacle to intimacy in a relationship. The first three lines of this stanza speak to the lack of logic of this approach to a relationship. Everybody has fears of not being understood and accepted by others. Hiding your fears and your dreams from a partner is one last sure sign that the relationship is doomed. If you are omitting this information, then a strong bond based on truth and trust can’t be formed. A balanced relationship is one where both partners come out on top because they have shared their worst fears and still respect one another.

So there you have it. Paranoia may creep into balanced relationships at times, but it is locked into unhealthy ones. Don’t allow your own paranoia to ruin what could be an otherwise beautiful relationship.

No Hard Feelings, part 2

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Today I’m going to go about my blog post in a different fashion. I want to write about my cousin who passed away in 1991, a few days shy of his 27th birthday. The circumstances around his death follow a common route, but basically his heart finally gave out. Nino was about 4 years older than me, and he was, simply put, my hero. He is the one who passed on the love of baseball to me…and the hatred of all things Boston (yup, he was even worse than I am when it came to hating on the Red Sox). His early death taught me that this world can be a very wicked place, and good people don’t always get what they deserve.

The smile that happily his children have inherited.

The 4 years that separated us might as well have been 14 years because I was an extremely sheltered and shy young girl. And Nino…well, he was a Deadhead. He loved the Grateful Dead and reggae music and I think turned to it often to sooth his soul like we all do with favorite music. Like Deadheads tend to do, he travelled throughout the U.S. to see his band play. I know the time he spent with his wife, Beth, my sister, Ann, and other friends are cherished memories. But that was all foreign to me. The farthest I went to see a band was Syracuse, and I still have never seen a band two nights in a row. His family owned a bakery and deli, and Nino worked hard just as he played hard. I would stop by the deli to see him and catch up every so often, and he always would find some time to talk with me. We never had any big discussions, but I always left happier than I arrived.

He was the older brother that I never had and could be as hypocritical as older protective siblings can be. I remember one of the rare nights that we were out together, I put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it (I smoked for like 3 months when I started college). Out of nowhere he came from across the room and took it out of my mouth and stepped on it. I thought he was just teasing me so I turned my back and put another one in my mouth. Again, he took it out of my mouth and said, “Don’t smoke”. Now I was upset and said something to the effect of “You are telling me not to smoke?”. He just nodded his head and warned me not to light another cigarette. I didn’t that night and quit soon after. He didn’t care too much for my taste in men either (i.e. alcoholics and drug addicts) and made it clear he thought I could do a lot better. Another night when we were out, I introduced him to my date who was from Ireland. He shook his hand and was nice but I could feel his eyes watching us the whole night. When we left about an hour later, I waved to him and he just nodded his head. I knew he wasn’t happy and Beth later told me he didn’t like the looks of the guy. When I asked her why, she said “Because he was a man dating his cousin!”.

My cousin, Nino, with our Uncle Ernie. Two of heaven’s rowdiest angels, for sure!

I can’t remember the first hour or so after hearing about his death. It totally destroyed me. I do remember crying, shouting, and then crying again. It felt like the world had completely stopped. Numbness overtook me at some point and, thank God, stayed with me through the wake and funeral, which I believe took place on his exact birthday (I could be wrong…he died on March 11th so it was very close to his birthday). But once all the formalities were done, all I felt was anger. I had plenty of hard feelings for the whole world. I was mad at Nino for living in a way that ended up taking his life. I was mad at his “friends” and others whom I felt led him to this tragic end. But most of all I was mad at God for taking Nino away from Beth and their young children. It didn’t make sense then and although the anger is long gone, the senseless waste of such a beautiful soul will never make sense.

During this time I turned to alcohol more so than at any other time in my life. I made stupid decisions all the time when it came to drinking and driving. I fell for men who didn’t really care for me which was just fine because I didn’t care for myself too much either. When I started seeing a counselor, I was told that I might have a problem with addiction. I denied it and left counseling while continuing to drink to numb my feelings. The people I hung out with all used alcohol in this way so I didn’t see anything wrong with it. To make matters worst, we lost another 4 people in my family over the following three years. It seemed like Death was a constant visitor, and each time it came I sunk deeper into depression. Luckily, I had some angels watching over me, and I’m sure if Nino wasn’t one of them, he was definitely the one who recruited them for me. I started to think more about my future and to let go of the darkness that surrounded me.

I like to think that Nino is watching over all of us, especially now that he has a grandson who is named after him. Every time I see little Nino, I can’t help but think how proud Nino would be of him and of his own children. Missing him never goes away but through the years sharing memories about his generous nature and great sense of humor always bring a smile to my face. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Nino. I love you and can never fear death because it means I will finally be able to see you again.

Souls Like The Wheels

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

I believe there are times in our lives when we feel the need to answer our soul’s calling. Some people experience this when a career path that previously seemed to be set in stone no longer is fulfilling. Other people may feel this as a pained realization that the person they thought they would be spending the rest of their lives with is no longer the partner they want. There are lucky folks who experience this soul calling only as a positive feeling and follow it with no second thoughts at all. But most of us just aren’t that lucky, and this Avett Brothers song seems to allude to this common human experience.

Souls like the wheels
Turning, taking us with wind at our heels
Burning, making us decide on what we’re giving
Change this way of living

I believe our souls are always guiding us to live our best lives. I also believe the Divine created us to love. Period. Full stop. Our lives are meant not to be lived just for ourselves. We are here to make a better world for others as well. I know this may sound like a naive and simplistic view of the world, but welcome to my blog! I have written about having open hearts and being willing to live a life where forgiveness is a key to a happier life. And now I’m saying that our souls are not just riding shotgun while we make decisions on how to live our lives. At the most confusing and frustrating times of our lives, our souls are there trying to support and steer our decisions.

In the Tarot these life changing moments can be best pictured in the Tower card. The Tower can represent epiphanies that come from seemingly out of the blue and that rock your world as you know it. The picture on the Tower card is usually of a tower burning with 2 people falling from the top (reason #245 that people are afraid of the Tarot). However, this is an accurate representation of how it can feel when you are being called by your soul to change something in your life. When your soul or intuitive voice whispers to you that change needs to happen, you may acknowledge the truth but want to deny it at the same time. No matter how many times you “hear” the call, living in the past seems easier than envisioning a new future. Even if life feels like it is an obstacle course complete with pain and unhappiness, the thought of making any change can seem like an impossible task.

But here’s the thing…your soul has a supernatural strength that will not be drowned out easily. People have tried to cancel out the noise of an inner calling with drugs, alcohol, sex, and just about any other vice to which you can become addicted. The most common vice though is settling for a life filled with regret, unfulfilled dreams, and routines that leave you feeling empty inside.

Our spirits are not meant to be drowned out and ignored. We weren’t created to live sad lives where our decisions only affect ourselves. When we don’t follow our soul’s guidance, the world is deprived of what your change could bring about. If your soul is pushing you to leave that comfortable office job for an apprenticeship with a local chef, you may one day create the perfect meal that is served when a young man proposes to his long time girlfriend. That may seem like a petty contribution, but it isn’t to that man who wants to provide a perfect memory for his love. And who knows how many other people will be positively affected by that chef’s creations. My point is that when you are doing what your soul calls you to do, others will benefit. The soul doesn’t give messages that benefits only you. There is always a bigger plan that you might never even know about.

Music is one of the greatest prods to start listening to your soul. The Avett Brothers sing about how something as small as one song can change how you view life.

One little song
Give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong
Buried safely in the past where I’ve been living
Alive but unforgiving
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

This whole blog is an example of how music can prod you to follow a soul’s call which for me was to make writing a constant in my life. As someone who has followed her soul’s urging several times, I can tell you that it is not an easy thing to do. It was so much easier to just stay with the guy or to keep on being the “good girl” who lived her life for others. But the freedom and satisfaction I have felt when I allowed myself to make the changes that my soul was crying out for have been nothing but positive for my life. I have forgiven loved ones and myself for wasting so much time trying to quell the inner voice. I like to think that I have helped others as well including my current crew of 7 year olds. When I listen to them read or watch them solve a math problem, I know that my soul had it right from the start. More importantly, when they open up and talk to me about a problem that seems huge to their 7 year old minds, I thank God for allowing me to have a career where I can help them.

Souls like the wings
Spreading out away from bad memories
Make us capable of taking off and landing
Alive with understanding
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

Once you follow your soul’s urging and feel that rush of freedom and alignment, it will make all the struggles to get there worth it. Don’t settle for a “life unexamined” and one where you are living someone else’s life. Listen to your soul, and let it transport you to a more meaningful life.

Kick Drum Heart

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Drums and bass are the heartbeat of any song. I love how just by hearing a simple drum beat you can feel the upcoming rush of emotion that comes from anticipating a favorite song. Give a listen to these iconic drum patterns:

If you are a fan of these songs and others like them, that drum intro is your cue to start smiling and to get ready for an intense 3-4 minutes of music. If the lyrics are the soul of a song, then the drums and bass are the steady heartbeat of it. The Avett Brothers seem to have taken this concept and written a really different kind of love song. In fact, when I first started this blog I was shocked when I realized that the Avett Brothers sang this song. I had assumed it was some new band like Walk the Moon (“Shut Up and Dance”). The folksy harmonies were gone and in their place was a stuttering scream of a song. I love it but for much different reasons than just about any other A.B. song.

A vibrant song like “Kick Drum Heart” can really change the whole energy surrounding your day. When I hear a song like this on the way to work 6:30 a.m., I am grateful because it (along with copious amounts of coffee) gives me that little bit of extra pep I need to face 21 second graders who need no external stimulant to be vivacious. After yesterday’s post I decided I needed to find a song that would help pull me out of the dejected funk that motivated it. So, today’s post will not be about romantic love but about finding that one thing that gets your heart beating a little faster and motivates you to go after a goal.

There’s nothing like finding gold
Within the rocks hard and cold
I’m so surprised to find more
Always surprised to find more

I won’t look back anymore
I left the people that do
It’s not the chase that I love
It’s me following you

My, my heart like a kick drum
My, my heart like a kick drum
My, my heart like a kick drum
My, my love like a voice

I am interpreting the “gold” the Avett Brothers are mining as the incredible songs that they have written through the years. As a writer I know that the written word doesn’t just flow in perfect order. The revisions needed for each blog post sometimes take as long as writing the first draft itself. First drafts definitely are the hard and cold rocks until you shape them into the message you wish to give the world. The surprise is that inspiration keeps coming and coming. My muse for these blog posts is their song catalogue combined with my life experience. Everytime I get an idea for a new blog post I feel the same amazement that every other writer feels when inspiration hits them.

This leads me to sharing with you 3 little nuggets of golden advice about manifesting your dream that I have mined from this gem of a song:

  1. Look for your muse or an inspiration to guide and motivate you towards your dream. If your dearest wish is to shoot a better hook shot, then look to those who have mastered this same desire (and maybe read a few blogs other than mine because that will probably be the first and only time that basketball will be referenced in this space). The same could be seen for wanting a change in your career, your wardrobe, or your spiritual beliefs. Look to those who have already walked the path you want to take. Their experiences can help you avoid pitfalls and gain ground in a quicker way than going off blindly on your own.
  2. Be prepared for lots of failure…and look forward to it! There is a reason that we have to wait so long for new music from our favorite bands. The songs don’t usually just float into the musicians’ blood by osmosis. There are a lot of starts and stops along the way. Writers are painfully aware of how much work it takes to create a final draft that communicates exactly what he/she is trying to say. Pain and perseverance are essential when manifesting your dream. Going after your dreams isn’t for sissies. When you find that ONE thing that you know you have to do, your first attempts aren’t always going to be your best ones. As I tell my students, making mistakes is more than okay as long as you learn from them. Use those first attempts as signposts on what you need to improve upon and then they will not be wasted ventures. So many people hit a few roadblocks and then give up on pursuing a goal. Those roadblocks eventually can become part of the inspiration that will lead to your goal being met.

3. Leave behind the naysayers. It is an ugly part of human nature that some people will want to drag you down just as you are beginning to make progress towards your goal. Sometimes it is done out of insecurity (i.e. If you reach this goal, you won’t need me anymore) and other times it can be out of envy. Don’t let pessimists play with your mind. There is a reason you have this goal. We are all connected to the Divine and as long as our intention is not to hurt others I firmly believe we will be supported in reaching our goals. The key is to omit any negativity that does not serve you or teach you anything on the way to your goal. Unfortunately, the strongest pressure to give up sometimes comes from those closest to us. Their motivation is not to hurt us but to prevent us from being hurt. Here is where you need to step into your power, thank them for their concern, and soldier on. If they continue to harp on you, then it is time to decide what is more important to you: pursuing your dream or letting others decide what is best for you.

Working towards a goal whether it be a huge one like changing careers or a small one like spring cleaning that one closet is worthwhile as long as it is close to your heart. If it gives you that rush of excitement and accomplishment, then go for it! And if you resent me taking a simple love/lust song and turning it into a mini-manifesto on manifestation, remember this. Sometimes having passion for a goal can override any kind of physical passion you have for a person. The only heartbreak you risk is if you choose to give up. And that fires up my drum kick heart.

Winter In My Heart

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Melancholy is defined as pensive sadness, and so many of the Avett Brothers’ songs are lyrical embodiments of that definition. This song in particular is speaking to me on this cold day in March. It is as if the Brothers have totally invaded my heart space and interpreted my feelings perfectly, as wonderful writers tend to do.

It must be winter in my heart
There’s nothing warm in there at all
I missed the summer and the spring
The floating yellow leaves of fall

These words accurately describe how it feels when someone you love is gone from your life. The vitality, excitement, and passion you felt when your person was around helped stoke the fires of your heart and soul. In addition to the physical sensation of warmth, love helps make you a warmer person to others as well. When you are around people who are newly formed couples (i.e. having Spring in a heart), you can get away with a lot because they often are so focused on each other that they wouldn’t notice if you walked around with a frying pan on your head. I love to notice the hand-holding, the whispered comments, or the shared laughter of newly formed couples because it is often so pure and hopeful. Realizing you are attracted to someone is a highly intoxicating feeling that can blind you to any pesky negative realities that you may face as a couple. The only problem with this kind of heat is that it can cool off as quickly as it began if the circumstances aren’t right. Spring is also when people can mistaken infatuation with love or physical attraction with true compatibility.

As a couple matures into their Summer stage, things get more real. Emotional and physical intimacy begin to knock down the polite walls of privacy and definitely heat things up. I don’t have any proof to back this claim up, but I do feel the Summer of the relationship is when couples either sink or swim. If there is balance, communication, and respect being cultivated, then the relationship flourishes. The lack of those qualities (plus a number of many other deal-breakers) result in short-lived unions. Knock-down fights or passion-filled nights can be the found scattered throughout the summertime of a relationship. Some couples spend years in this stage while others hop the seasons of the heart quickly.

If a couple makes it beyond the Summer, the more relaxed and stable period of Fall is experienced. Even though it doesn’t have the excitement of Spring or the passion of Summer, Fall has its own heat too. Commitment is more like a slow-burn type of heat. This is the comforting feeling of a down blanket wrapped around you on the first night it falls below 50 degrees. It’s the difference between having central heating and having a space heater, It is dependable and all encompassing. The Fall stage of being a couple is when you know that no matter how big or little the argument is, there always will be a reconciliation at the end because both of you have made that commitment to each other.

All of this, of course, leads us to the Winter of the heart.

The air in there is frigid cold
I don’t know what the reasons are
The calendar says August 1
But it’s still winter in my heart

Some couples reach the Winter at different times. One person “falls out of love” with the other. Some couples may both decide they are too incompatible to continue as a couple even though they still have love for the other person. There are probably as many scenarios for Winter coming as there are couples. The frigidity is due to the loss of someone who was so essential in their life from day to day. The healthiest thing people can do at this point is to take care of themselves, wish their partner well, and look forward to their next Spring.

But there is another kind of Winter of the heart that so many people, including myself, experience. This can happen when you are still stuck in a particular season because the other person is unable or unwilling to give a relationship a chance

They say flowers bloom in spring
Red and golden, blue and pink
They say seasons turn in time
Theirs are changing, why won’t mine?

Sometimes it gets very hard when you see so many other people, people who maybe aren’t the nicest people in the world, enjoying their Springs, Summers, or Falls. I have absolute faith in the belief that you have to give love to get love. But what’s hard to accept is that the love you give will not only not be returned, but actually ignored or thrown back in your face. When you and another person have great rapport, shared interests, mutual respect, and physical attraction, it is only natural to expect it to move to the next stage unless…

-the other person runs away

-the other person denies the attraction

-the other person is married or in a committed relationship.

-one of both of you is afraid of commitment

Maybe it’s the expectation that brings on the Winter. There are so many reasons why people are walking around with Winter in their hearts. And I have no great words of advice because my Winter feels like it has been ongoing for as long as I can remember. At one time I thought it was loneliness, but there are too many people who love me for that to be it. My life is full, and I’m usually very content with what I have built so far. No, this latest “polar vortex” has less to do with what is wrong with my life and more to do what with who I’m missing from my past. I don’t want a new Spring unless it’s with him because we never had the chance to see if things could work. He is keeping what he wants hidden from view and as long as he does that, I’m stuck.

The music and lyrics of the Avett Brothers have transfixed me because of the words of wisdom that I have been able to use as seeds for my blog writing. But I’ve searched the lyrics for a solution to this Winter problem and haven’t been able to come up with anything. Chances are this blast of coldness won’t last long, and I’ll go back to being hopeful and optimistic about love. Life is too short to be frozen in time.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This song is another narrative seemingly about a relationship between the two emotions. However, if these emotions were real people this would be one fucked up (pardon my french) dysfunctional relationship. I should know because I have been Love in a few relationships and let the negativity within my partner poison my peace of mind. It’s sweet that in this musical ballad Love wins over Hate in the end, but take it from me, there’s no way this is happening in real life. There has to be the open-hearted nature of Love on both sides to have a shot at a decent relationship.

When looking at these two emotions, I have looked at them as two ends of extremes: either you have an open heart or a closed one. This Avett Brothers’ song gives a great guide to how to approach much more than a relationship. It really gives a detailed list of ways to either enjoy your life in an authentic way or to just rotely go through the motions of life.

Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate
“My vacation’s ending, I’m coming home late
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
And I can’t wait to see you again”

  1. When your heart is open, you are more likely to live life authentically. Communication is such a large part of living an authentic life. Without clear communication, you aren’t able to be fully understood by others. The downside of this is that you most likely will be judged by others once you let your thoughts be known. Even people who are shy or introverted need to find ways to let their inner truth or purpose be known to the outside world. In a relationship, expressing your feelings is essential, of course, but also holds with it the risk of rejection. Love has no worries about being rejected or judged. She makes it clear to Hate that although her vacation has been great, she is eager to come back home. Living life with an open heart requires you to risk rejection.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away
“No one here cares if you go or you stay
I barely even noticed that you were away
I’ll see you or I won’t, whatever”

2. When your heart is closed, talk is cheap. The indifference feigned by Hate shows that he feels that Love’s words have no value. A closed heart is usually one that has been deceived in the past by the words from another. If you allow your heart to remain closed, you may not risk rejection, but you also discount any attempt at connection. Going through life distrusting what others say is a sure way to isolate yourself. Hate’s indifference to Love’s letter reminds me of the famous Shakespearean line: “The lady doth protest too much”. But when your heart is closed your only concern is that no one penetrate your tough exterior.

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes
And everyone knows it whenever she flies
And also when she comes down

3. When you live life with an open heart, everything you experience becomes enriched by your positive attitude. If you want to live authentically, you notice the gifts of nature, life, and abundance all around you. It’s hard not to notice someone who has an open heart because you may often find yourself shocked by their viewpoint on the same situation. For example, if your heart is open you can appreciate rain because of the lovely sound it makes on the roof or you are grateful because the grass is getting the water it needs. For someone who is disconnected from his surroundings, rain means a sloppy walk or cancelled outdoor events. When you adjust your mindset to one that appreciates all the little things that we can take for granted, your life becomes more peaceful.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through these streets
Every stranger and drifter he greets
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face

4. When you live life with a closed heart, you are always ready for a fight. Hate carries his head high because he is looking for a fight. A closed heart often goes along with feeling defensive. He greets strangers because everyone is a stranger when you are unwilling to share any part of yourself. Drifters and loners are Hate’s people. They have no desire to plant roots because roots imply standing for something and growth. When your heart is closed, there is no possibility for your soul to grow and learn. Learning creates the risk of being wrong and no closed heart is willing to be proven wrong.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow
Carrying with her the good things we know
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust and to hold and to care

5. When you live life with an open heart, you are more likely to have a life purpose which includes growing your soul and your connections with others. Trust, comfort, and care are byproducts of being open to others. Love always carries these things with her, not just when she is home. She wouldn’t think of leaving home without these “things”. If you are willing to live with an open heart, then your ability to trust, to comfort, and to care or others will become second nature. (Remember, this is an extreme just as Hate is the opposite extreme. I’m NOT advocating to go out and trust everyone all the time.) If you are a person with an open heart, I’m sure you are described as trustworthy and nurturing. These qualities seem to go hand in hand.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
Without much regard to the moon or the stars
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive

6. When you live life with a closed heart, you don’t have gratitude for the little things unless they come in a shot glass. So many addictions start off because there is pain that a person wants to avoid feeling. Our Mr. Hate is no different. Closed hearted people have to do extreme things like racing cars or other daredevil activities because that is the only way they can feel anything. All closed hearted people started off as open-hearted babies. It is this sometimes cruel world that closes hearts. Going through the motions of life is the only thing that closed hearted people are up to doing because living authentically requires a willingness to experience all that life has, and pain is definitely a part of that.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, “Love, I’m sorry, ” and she says, “What for?
I’m yours and that’s it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I’m yours and that’s it, forever
Your mine and that’s it, forever

This is where the Avett Brothers lose me. This ending is heartwarming but just wrong on so many levels. Although I do believe that love can heal a closed-hearted person, I would never advise anyone to try and “fix” the other person (Been there, done that). But I do think understanding how having an open heart can be good for you in a variety of ways is a message you can share with your Mr. (or Ms) Hate. Keep your heart open, send good loving thoughts to Mr. Hate, and treat yourself well. The world needs more people like you.

The Perfect Space

by yankeefran, posted in Avett Brothers

Feeling like you don’t belong can be one of the most awful feelings a person can experience. Beyond the hormone-driven teenage years when young adults are desperate to fit in while trying to assert their identity separate from their parents, seeing oneself as the square peg in a round hole can be very painful. The Avett Brothers seem to be alluding to this familiar and very human circumstance in the following lines:

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.

It is truly a gift to be able to be yourself with no need to edit your words or to act in a way that is expected. Not having to be on guard when you’re around others frees you to express the uniqueness that makes you, you. Part of this magic is created when you surround yourself with people who are willing to accept you, quirky warts and all. People who stand by you in your dark times as well as your triumphs are the ones Scott seems to be singing about.

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.

But another essential ingredient is that you have done the work within yourself and have reached a place in your life where the opinions of others no longer affect your self-regard. This common teenage malady of low self-esteem is what causes so many of us to follow the crowd and make decisions that often end up scarring our souls. These are the weights that can be carried for the rest of our lives if the inner work is not done. This means that you can have the most compassionate and supportive friends in the world but if you still feel like there is something wrong with you, the ease of fitting in will never materialize. Alternatively, you can be the most enlightened person but being surrounded by people who don’t value you (i.e. assholes) can also create discomfort and unhappiness.

I can’t help but think of all of the colleagues that I have worked with throughout my multi-district career as a teacher. Unlike most elementary teachers, I didn’t get hired by one district and work there for my whole career. I have worked in private, public, urban, suburban, and even rural districts for over 28 years. There was always a short period of time where I struggled to find my place in each new school. But I have been very blessed by the friendships I formed in each of the schools. The people who went out of their way to make me feel welcome in each new position are the ones with whom I still am in communication. When we get together, it is as if no time at all has passed. This is the gift of belonging, and it is one of the many gifts from God for which I am so grateful.

Of course, the opposite is also true. There are people who accepted me when I was “one of them”. But as soon as I spread my wings to go onto my next adventure, it was as if I never existed. I don’t just mean falling out of touch. Life is busy and as we grow older everyone has a hard time staying in touch with even the best of your friends. What I have found to be most disappointing is bumping into former colleagues and finding that we have nothing left to talk about. Over the course of 15 years I changed from a people-pleasing, “suburban wife” wannabe who took approval from the “in crowd” as a sign of success to a sarcastic, sometimes cynical, new age hippie who has learned to not judge people by their appearance nor their zip code but by their actions. Always being the single girl in a crowd of married folks with babies used to make me feel “less than” but that was down to me and my self-esteem. No, what really bothers me now is that some of the people who I used to swear would be friends for life now just look at me blankly like they have no idea who I am. My true friends (and many still are married folks with babies) don’t care that I read tarot cards, listen to music that is rarely played on the radio, have tattoos, or post way too much on facebook. They accept me for who I am today, and more importantly, I accept myself for the person I have worked so hard to become.

I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.

Once you develop that pride in who you are and what you will and won’t stand for, then true belonging can take place. The next time you find yourself feeling like you don’t belong, ask yourself two questions:

  1. Am I judging myself harshly about something? Is this situtation triggering some childhood hurt that still needs healing? If so, try to ignore the immediate discomfort but then work on the issue that is leading you to feel badly. This isn’t an easy process but it is one that give you access to a much more peaceful life.
  2. Am I surrounded by assholes? If the answer is yes, get the hell away from them. If not, revert back to question 1.

I wish for you all to attain the inner knowledge that you are worthy and to always be surrounded by people who are open to your uniqueness. That really is the perfect space.

The Weight of Lies

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

“The Weight of Lies” by the Avett Brothers is such a great title for a song because of the evocative images it produces. When I first saw the title I thought that maybe the song was going to be about how deceiving people ends up giving you nothing but guilt and a heavy heart. But after listening to the entire song it seems it could be more about living your life authentically which means showing your “bad” side along with the “good”.

Disappear from your home town
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all of your good parts
Leave town when the bad ones start to show

I once heard the worst thing a man can do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name, pride, and confidence
But leaving out his doubts
I’m not sure I bought those words
When I was young I knew most everything
These words have never meant as much to anyone
As they now mean to me

Living my life authentically is a new journey for me and one that has led me to write this blog in spite of being a fairly private person. I have always taken tentative steps towards my true self but always ended up retreating to my default persona when things got too hard to handle. As a child and young adult, I was usually the one to listen to my parents, get the good grades, win the awards. But there were those moments when I dared to not be the “perfect” girl. Times when I insisted that what I held to be true was going to be more important than what others felt what was important. I insisted on applying to colleges in Rochester because I wanted to live there. My father was hesitant about me going, but my mother was downright against it. Neither one of them wanted me that far away when there was a perfectly good college down the street.

When I was accepted to both colleges, the decision was left to me. My mother was about to go in the hospital for surgery, and the last possible day to send the deposit for college fell on the night before she had to go in. I can still see her sitting with the checkbook in her hand, looking up at me with a sad resignation on her face. “Well?” she asked. “Who am I making this check out too?”. Shame raced through my body, and I felt a heaviness on my shoulders which I now recognize as fear and guilt. It was obvious to me that my mother didn’t want me to leave, and she was about to go into the hospital. I felt like I couldn’t say Nazareth although my heart was screaming it. With a sigh and a downcast face I replied “St. Rose”. In that moment I had allowed my “good girl” image to overrule what I felt was my true calling. When I was boarding a plane 3 years later to study abroad, my mother complained that I was the only passenger not turning to wave goodbye. However, it wasn’t out of spite or any kind of delayed payback. It was because I finally had allowed myself to make the authentic decision to study where I wanted, And let me tell you, no awards or compliments on being a good girl ever felt as good as striding up that ramp to my future.

Since my college days, I have had small ventures into living an authentic life. I have ended relationships when I realized that what I felt was not love but infatuation. When new teaching opportunities in other districts became available, I stepped into them with confidence and determination even as the fear of entering the unknown gnawed at my spirit. I have found when you are truly living an authentic life, the fears of the Ego don’t just hide away. They actually become more intense as they try to steer you off your path with self-sabotaging thoughts. But if you stand firm in what you believe is right for you, then you are able to do battle with the Ego using your higher self and your angels as your back up.

Even today I find myself striving to live more authentically in several areas. Career decisions are looming, and fate may steer me in a direction I cannot fathom at this point. Financial issues have also long overridden some dreams that I have had to put away. Searching for ways to become better aligned with those dreams is a nerve-wracking daily activity. Emotionally, I am wrestling with how to balance my deep feelings for a man whom I feel destined to be reunited with the reality of our separation. When following your authentic desires in matters of the heart means impinging on the truth felt by another person, it can become complicated. Communication lies at the heart of authenticity so prolonged periods of silence make it impossible for it to bloom for either person. Following your true path may mean making it uncomfortable not only for yourself but for the other person. This is where grace and spiritual growth has to step in and help nudge you in the right direction. Whether through prayer, meditation, music, journaling, or some other form of connection with Spirit, we have to find a way for the light to break through. That uncomfortable feeling is a sure sign that you’re leaving your comfort zone and finally living your truth. Continuing to shy away from the truth will catch up with you in the end.

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town ’cause
Nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So, when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from ’cause
Lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

When trying to decide if you’re making choices that are responding to the truth within you, ask yourself if you are running away from or running towards something or someone. Being authentic isn’t something to hurry along, but life does go by so quickly. My wish for you is that you respond to the flow of abundance with your hearts, your minds, your eyes, and your arms wide open.