addiction – One Foot In, One Foot Back

This song’s title and the opening stanza paint a stark picture for me of an addict who has wasted away and can see the physical damage he has inflicted upon himself. The beginning of this song haunts me and makes me reflect sadly on people from my past. Since I have experienced a number of relationships with addicts at different stages of their journeys, I may be projecting my memories onto this song (Hello! Welcome to my blog!) so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I think addiction has played a major role in the lives of the AB.

It’s the skin and bones that keep me on the road
The shoulder blades of a beast that haunts my soul
Wandering lonely and scared
I live the tragedy I shared

It’s quick to drag you in but hard to shake
A kiss that doesn’t match how much it takes
Growing stronger and loud
I lived it but now I’m wanting out

The first stanza alludes to addiction as “…a beast that haunts my soul” and the “tragedy” that the band sings about night after night in their concerts. The courage it must take for a songwriter to put his worst moments in a song is hard enough to muster. But to get on stage every night and relive it by singing about it? That is mind-blowing to me. You are standing there naked with all of your flaws on display. You relive the darkest days of your life with thousands of strangers who can recite every word of your songs even though their emotional investment is greatly overshadowed by yours. The second stanza is a clear depiction of addiction and how quickly it lures you in while destroying everything else in your life. I’ve seen addicts so caught up in the ecstasy of their high that they don’t realize they are being arrested or are sitting on a dirty bathroom floor. As someone who has never experimented with drugs but went through a period of heavy drinking, I can honestly say I was scared straight the first time I realized that I drove home and with no recollection of how I got there. Right then and there, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be in that scary position again. Unfortunately, addicts in the throes of addiction just wake up and take up the “tin and board” like nothing ever happened even as their lives and the lives of their loved ones are being blown apart.

While this beginning portion of the song makes me think about addiction, the rest of the song resonates with me because of how it alludes to building a barrier between your heart and the rest of the world.

I built the fence, I hung the sign
Blood red letters said ‘Keep in mind
Where I been so don’t come in’
But how long can you live in shame
And drop a life long curse on your own last name
The trouble is, I’m used to it

Shame over past actions can affect you in so many ways. It can make you scared to try new things for fear of embarrassment. Shame can lead you to self-hatred and self-loathing which works like a vicious circle. “I feel ashamed so I hate myself which makes me feel more ashamed”. As the AB sing, you just get used to feeling bad about yourself. One thing shame doesn’t usually engender is an open heart. Even when someone has made it clear that he/she doesn’t care about the past, people who are mired in shame will do everything in their power to reject any kindness or notion of forgiveness. Isolation begets further confirmation that one is worthless. It’s not a great logical leap to addiction when one is constantly spinning his wheels in the grime and mud of past actions.

Trying to hide behind the “fence” can be seen as self-preservation. We all have been there, our hearts so broken by either the acts of another or by our own “stupid” actions. Most fences are temporary, with time and healing or someone else’s persevering love eventually honing a way through. But I wonder if people living in the past and feeling overwhelming regret think about the effect cutting themselves off can have on the people who love them. Having had some experience in being on the other side of a fence which was as strong as a cement wall (that I admittedly tried to knock down for too long) I thought I would shed some light on the consequences for others.

Your loved ones feel like they have done something wrong. Even when you insist that “It’s not you, it’s me” that shame you are running away from can be transferred easily to a person trying to reach you. Now instead of just you hurting, someone else in the world is being hurt by your presumed shortcoming.
Your loved ones can make things worse by trying to “fix” whatever is wrong with you. While a codependent person starts off with good intentions, that quickly escalates to a dysfunctional relationship that can ruin not only any chance you have of healing but also the self-esteem of the other person.
Your loved one simply gives up one day and moves on with his/her life. While you may think, “Good! I’m not good enough”, please know that this effect reverberates long after the person is “gone”. He/She who moves on only does so with unanswered questions, soul-crushing regrets, and more self-blame for getting involved with someone whose heart is locked away.

Now, reading over this list I realize that pointing out these effects sounds like I’m trying to “guilt” people into not putting up the fence. That is not my intention. Fence-builders don’t need more guilt because they usually cut themselves off out of concern for others. “She’s better off” is his motto. But I do want the fence-builders to realize that you are not sparing anyone by hiding your bad decisions or actions. Whereas you may think you are only hurting yourself, the opposite is true. The people that I have known who built those fences were much harder on themselves than I ever would be. One of those fence builders was my father, and even after he’s been gone for 6 years I still get sad over the way he couldn’t ever let me completely in. It was fear of rejection that made fence-builders want to hide in the first place. So if you ever find yourself feeling afraid to admit the truth about your past to someone, don’t let the fear lead you to cutting yourself off from a much brighter future. Give your friends and loved ones the chance to forgive you or just to acknowledge your history. It will not just be healing for you but it has the potential to lighten the emotional load on the other person. And if you are dealing with a fence-builder, try to send them prayers, good vibes, or other support that doesn’t tie your self-esteem to their healing. While we can love the fence-builders in our lives, we can not save them from their worst enemies: self-condemnation. Hopefully, one day soon he/she will take down that fence and let the light in.

Sometimes the chorus of a song can be annoyingly trite. Just a way to make the title of a song sink in with the hopes that it makes it memorable. This is so not the case with “Every Morning Song”. The Avett Brothers buried a golden nugget of great advice in 3 little lines.

Even though I know there’s hope/In every morning song/I have to find that melody alone

At first glance it seems that Scott is singing about finding solace in a series of one night stands. The first stanza of the song is full of regret and an aching longing for someone who has left him. He admits he’s been “thinking about drinking again” which along with meaningless sex are just substitutes for coming to terms with his loss. I’m interpreting the “morning song” as a potential new relationship which will save him from himself. He not only accepts that the person who left him may have stopped caring about him but seems to welcome it because he knows that he must work out what’s wrong with himself on his own.

People with addictions have to either face this moment of truth or die. Some of the recovering addicts who I have known in my life each made a choice of either doing the work of recovery or going through the motions of it. It can be so painful to watch someone you love pretend that they have done “the work”, the self-reflection and often painful journey of looking inward to heal what is hurting them so much that they need to reach for the next pill, needle, or bottle. Relapse is often the consequence for not doing the steps for yourself. But once you witness someone actually do this work and rebuild his/her life, it literally is a miracle! It’s a miracle you wish that any addict you know could experience. But no amount of encouragement, love, or wishing will be the catalyst. That spark has to come from and follow through with the addict.

Addicts aren’t the only ones who struggle with finding the melody in life. This is a truth that we all have to accept one day. The joy and contentment of being loved by someone you adore will not fix any problem you have with yourself. The melody of being in balance in your heart and soul is essential if you want to find any peace in your life. The “perfect” relationship may whitewash a low self-image or self-loathing that you feel deep in your soul. But deep down you will still be broken and feel less than unless you too do the work and heal your inner wounds. And as much as our partners may want to help out (i.e. fix us) each person has to go through that dark night of the soul alone. It really is a paradox because until you can be happy without a romantic partner and totally love yourself you can’t find that kind of contentment in a relationship. There will always be something blocking you from hearing or feeling the melody in life.

The melody in life goes beyond a romantic relationship. It can be the harmony you feel when working with others who have the same goal as you. It can be the happiness you feel when you finally find the work/home life balance you’ve been seeking. It can be the satisfaction of reaching a long held goal. Whatever type of melody that you’re seeking to establish in your life, be sure to nurture yourself along the way. It can be easy to give up or feel pessimistic about your chances of harmony. People on whom you thought you could depend will let you down. Your self-made timeline may be stretched until you just feel like quitting. Seth sings about this particular obstacle:

Hurt so bad
More than I expected that it would
Worse than that
It seems to be lasting just a little
Longer than it should

I believe that the Universe or God has its own divine timing. Don’t lose hope because things aren’t unfolding as quickly or neatly as you would like. You can find melody in your life if you remain hopeful and committed to it. Despite the despairing tone of this song, it really can be a rallying call to remember that every day is a new opportunity to start over, to heal ourselves, and to love again. That’s a morning song I’d love to wake up to every day.

Tag: addiction

Skin and Bones

Every Morning Song