I read an interview with Seth Avett about his motivation for writing this highly personal song about his first marriage breaking apart. He said that he realized that there weren’t a lot of songs out there with “divorce” as the subject, and that surprised him considering how high the divorce rate is. While going through a divorce has been the catalyst for lots of songs, not many have the word divorce in their title. So that is why he wanted to create a song that was clearly talking about the end of a marriage. Here are the opening lines:
I’m gonna keep on living
Even though I sometimes do
Fantasize about disappearing
Down in the ocean blue
Just to get some peace and quiet
From the warfare inside my heart
Well I’ve been under ear-splitting fire
Ever since we’ve been apart
Well I’m gonna wash the dishes
Pay the bills and watch the news
I’ve got the tough education
No celebration
Divorce separation blues
I think he does a great job encapsulating in one verse how a lot of people get through the end of their marriages simply by putting one foot in front of the other. You have your low moments when you feel like “disappearing/down in the ocean blue” but most days you just get on with your daily life…at least on the outside. The inner turmoil that most people feel as they go through a divorce is filled with a menage of feelings: anger, hurt disappointment, relief, and sadness just to name a few. As someone who hasn’t been married, I can only shake my head in sympathy for all the couples that I know who have gone through this painful process.
However, part of me used to be curiously jealous of these people. I know that sounds insane, but let me explain. People normally don’t get married one day and divorced the next (unless you’re Nicolas Cage). So even though the period leading up to a divorce is often a sad and disheartening time of life, I’m sure that there were times at the beginning of the relationship that brought much joy. Their love and joy was acknowledged not only by their spouses but also by their friends, family, and even coworkers. Having your love recognized by a church, temple, synagogue, or city hall must be affirming and pleasurable. Never having a wedding ceremony, the closest I came to having my relationships recognized by anyone are the countless number of times in my twenties my grandmother would check my wedding ring finger and ask me (in Italian) if I was engaged yet. I also think that once I got into my 40s my family just stopped expecting me to ever be in a committed relationship and were fine with it since I was happy and successful in other areas of my life. To be honest, I sometimes felt invisible whenever the topic of conversation turned to boyfriends, husbands, or young families. This was before I understood that I had value and importance just being the person God made me to be.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and know that many people use the lessons they have learned through their divorce to help them make better choices in any new relationships they may form.. I know of more than one couple who have gone through divorces and found more stable, loving, and long lasting marriages the second time around. It’s like it took the failure of the first marriage to make them aware of the kind of partnership that they really wanted. They were able to use their failed marriage as a stepping stone to an even brighter future. I, on the other hand, managed to have the same exact relationships with a string of men. This is hardly unique but when you realize it, it can feel like you’re the only one in the world who makes this kind of mistake. You see, I have a pattern of falling for men who care for me but not quite enough to make that final commitment. I know I’m not the only person who has this Achilles heel, and I so admire people who are able to dust themselves off and take this outright rejection with their dignity in tact. My experiences have been so different. Even though I’m quite open when I’m writing, I’m tightlipped when it comes to talking about my disappointments and pain. I guess I felt like since I wasn’t in a committed relationship with some of these men then I didn’t have the right to complain when they suddenly disappeared from my life.
Another “perk” of divorce is that many people (usually women) surprise themselves with how they are able to carry on and take on all of the responsibilities that were once shared by two. I have seen so many people (usually women) blossom once they are out of a bad marriage. They lose weight, take on new positions at work, become more organized (especially if children are involved), update their appearance, and have a cascade of confidence that seems to build once the mourning process and shock of losing a marriage is experienced. Don’t get me wrong…I realize this doesn’t happen quickly or without a lot of pain and hard work. But those divorced individuals are usually recognized and supported by friends in rebuilding their lives and carrying on as if they even had a choice. Since I’ve been single my entire life, people always expected me to be able to do things like have my oil changed every 3000 miles, take out the garbage, and handle the financial aspects associated with a mortgage. So when I failed at any (or all) of those things, I was super critical of myself. I spoke harshly to myself in a way I never would have to a friend or family member who made the same mistakes.
Reading over how I have handled things in the past, I can’t help but wince. I’ve made so many mistakes and underestimated myself so much. I’m a much stronger person now, and I realize that this is due to the learning that came from my experiences Giving away my power, pretending I was fine, and choosing to wallow in my failures is exactly the opposite of what Seth sings about in the opening lines. As I have built up my spiritual practices, I have started to realize that I deserve so much more than I have received in the area of love. I am a generous and supportive partner who deserves the same in a lover. And I’m in no position to be envious of anyone else who was in pain and took the steps needed to get help. Everyone is going through their own journey, and most times we wouldn’t trade our sorrows with theirs for anything in the world. In trying to let go of the last man I’ve loved, I discovered how unbalanced our friendship was. If I’m being truthful, I always wanted more than he could give. He has moved on, and I wish him well. It is my intention to do the same despite what my heart may say.
When I first heard this song, it really wasn’t one of my favorites. It has a easy-going tone that I felt belittled the message it was sending. But now I’m happy that it is sung in such a light-hearted way because it takes away some of the sting of being able to relate a little too much with the lyrics.
I’ve got the tough education
No celebration
Bad communication
Worse interpretation
Love deprivation
Pain allocation
Soul devastation
Cold desolation
Life complication
Resuscitation
Divorce separation blues
You don’t need a discarded wedding ring or signature on a legal piece of paper to sing these blues. Just don’t allow yourself to become mired in the misery. We all will reach the other side, and I think that is the message Seth would want for the legacy of this song.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 