The Avett Brothers write so beautifully about topics that many people shy away from: death, loss, and faith. One of their songs about reaching the end of your life really spoke to me. Even though it is a song about death it provides a guideline on how to live life more peacefully:
When my body won’t hold me anymore
And it finally lets me free
Will I be ready?
This attention to end of life matters may seem peculiar in a band so young, but it actually makes a lot of sense to me. Withholding forgiveness from someone who has hurt you may feel powerful in the present moment. But what about in the future when you are looking back over your life? Will there be consequences for your refusal to forgive? This song talks about what holding onto hard feelings can do to a person:
Lord knows they haven’t done
Much good for anyone
Kept me afraid and cold
With so much to have and hold
This song reminds us that when you withhold forgiveness you end up to be the one who suffers. You close off your heart just that little bit more each time you hold a grudge. And a closed heart is a cold one that can make you bitter and fatalistic. You also spend precious time focusing on the negative instead of counting your blessings and expressing gratitude for the good in your life. I have written before in this blog about my tendency in the past to hold grudges. But as soon as I understood that doing that was mentally unhealthy, I let them go. As soon as I did, I noticed a freedom and lightheartedness that I hadn’t felt before. I no longer felt tied to those bad situations or to the emotions (anger, sadness, confusion, and bitterness) that accompanied them. Granting forgiveness publicly or privately allowed me to move on from past hurts.
What can be more difficult is granting forgiveness to yourself when you have done something/someone wrong. I have found that feeling of shame over the act you committed can make self-forgiveness a trickier process. This is especially true if you have low self-esteem and don’t really like yourself in general. But when you think about it, by not forgiving yourself you don’t deserve a pity party. Afterall, who are you, some kind of super human with the ability to avoid all mistakes? No, you are just like the rest of us: fragile and fallible. The shame we feel when we hurt someone is more than enough punishment (assuming you do offer an apology). Hanging on to that shame just compounds it and does no good for anyone. Forgiveness is the key.
Under the curving sky
I’m finally learning why
It matters for me and you
To say it and mean it too
For life and its loveliness
And all of its ugliness
Good as its been to me
I have no enemies
No enemies includes yourself. If you are hanging onto any bad feelings for your actions, do what you can to express your regrets. If the person has passed on, try writing a letter with your apology and then burn it, bury it, or keep it in a special memory box. Do whatever you have to do, but give yourself the forgiveness you deserve. And offer your forgiveness to anyone who has wronged you either face to face or by using one of the methods above. Withholding forgiveness only makes your world a darker and colder place. Life is too precious to waste in this way.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 