This is one of those songs that from the first time I heard it, I couldn’t get out of my head. I have said often that I’m not trying to interpret the meanings of these songs because I feel that only the Avett Brothers know what they are trying to communicate. However, this song does seem to be talking about regretting words not spoken to someone who has passed on:
Feels like no one understands
And now my only chance
To talk to you is through my prayers
I only wanted to tell ya I care
Another lyric talks about knowing the right words to say but realizing that it’s too late to say them to the person. I think anyone who has lost a loved one, especially if it was unexpected, can relate to this horrible feeling that you now have the words you needed in the past to heal that relationship. Even if you have a faith like the writers of this song do, you may feel like you hate yourself because your clarity came too late. When my father passed away, I was lucky enough to have spent a lot of one on one time with him in the 6 months leading up to his death because of my unemployment during that time. Although we were never big talkers, I feel like the time we spent together at his chemotherapy and radiation sessions were enough to help heal some of the hurts we inflicted on each other through the years. When he passed on I only had to deal with the sadness of his death and not with unsaid words between us. Unfortunately, not everyone has that time before the death of a loved one.
As hard as it is to deal with unsaid words with a loved one who has passed away, I think it can be as equally hard to have a lack of communication with someone you care about and is still living. I have had friendships and romances where I or the other person did or said something so wrong that the entire relationship was severed. One friend completely cut me out of her life when she felt I took an ex-boyfriend’s side over hers (he was also a friend of mine). No number of calls or emails could convince her that I wasn’t taking sides. She went from wanting to share an apartment with me one month to never talking to me again. Another example is when I stopped speaking to the man I was dating because he wouldn’t agree to take me out somewhere (other than to the bar where he was a bar fly) once a month! He was a homebody and didn’t like to try new places. I didn’t go around giving ultimatums lightly and I wasn’t the most assertive woman at that time in my life. But I felt that if he couldn’t compromise with this request then he was nowhere near good enough to spend any time with me. I doubt that my lack of contact was all that hard for him, but it bothered me for a long time. In both of these situations, there were things left unsaid that may have changed the outcomes if either person cared enough. Obviously, these were relationships that had run their course.
But I recently learned about a term called “ghosting” which is when someone completely stops talking to you for no reason of which you are aware. This has happened to me a few times when I thought I had good relationships and proved to be 10 times more painful than the situations talked about above. One minute I had a caring and very gratifying relationship with someone and the next I was ignored and treated like I was a complete stranger. Not knowing what I did wrong or if I did something wrong was torture for someone like me who tries to avoid conflict at any cost. I have written so many pages filled with questions and words I would love to say to these people who have ghosted me. Most of the words are things that I left unexpressed but that I really wanted the other person to know. The writing does help but the unknown keeps pecking at my brain and my heart. “Why?” can be the most agonizing unanswered question and being ghosted compounds this by not being able to make things right if there actually is a reason.
When my fail-safe action of writing didn’t help quiet the unending repetition of “why”, I decided to try and view the separation as a way for the Universe to teach me a lesson. I spent time talking about it with a trusted friend and then tried to pack it away just like Seth sings (Sometimes it knocks me down, sometimes I can just put it away).
It worked for quite a while too but still was painful when the inevitable dreams would occur or when something reminded me of the situation. I finally decided that I needed to accept that I might never know the truth. I have turned to the tried and true Serenity Prayer to help me deal with these situations. For those who don’t know, the prayer says
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
It is a prayer said by many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts who are trying to take things one day at a time. I think it has helped me because finding out “why” was becoming like an obsession. Instead of just letting life flow, I was determined to know the reasons behind the losses. All this did was make me sad and frustrated. While things haven’t changed with the ghosted relationships, the way I view them has. I am accepting that I can’t change how the other person feels. I will also have courage to tell that person how I feel if I ever get the chance. Wisdom is coming slowly, but I’m grateful that someday it will all make sense.
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One Foot In, One Foot Back 