Tag: inspiration

Ten Thousand Words

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

As a writer the most important tools I have are the words I choose. On some of my posts it can take over an hour just to have a sentence convey the message I have in my head or heart. When it comes to speaking, I often stumble over my words and part of the reason may be because I’m so fastidious about my word choice ( I considered using the “persnickety” and “anal” for fastidious which shows you how crazy I can be with word choice). More than once in my life I have had to rely on the written word to express myself when any other person would probably just have a conversation face to face. Words are precious to me, and I honor the power that they can have when I use them.

There are song writers (beyond the obvious topic of this blog) who have inspired and motivated me with their selective word choice. Bruce Springsteen expressed my main romantic malaise in “Hungry Heart” before I even knew what the word malaise meant. U2 wrote a lyric so beautiful and inspiring that I have it tattooed on my arm (“Grace makes beauty/Out of ugly things”). Poets like , W.H. Auden, Langston Hughes, and Sylvia Plath made me awestruck in college with the overwhelming feelings communicated through their poetry. Jen Sincero, Jen Lancaster, Shonda Rhimes, and Jack Canfield have motivated me to change both my mindset and my life through their transformational books. The written word has been my lifeline through so many heartaches and disappointments.

However, I know that words can also be used as weapons and I have been hurt by more than one careless phrase or another (I also have done my share of hurting). I think once we realize the power that words can have over someone else we suddenly lose a bit of the purity of our soul. As we have all experienced, young children often are unaware of the repercussions of some of the things they say. I know I have laughed out loud more than once when a young child has said something inappropriate or a little too true to my face. But once we learn that we can hurt others with our words, the possibility of using them in an intentionally malicious manner takes some of our innocence away. Bullying and the formation of cliques in school are often the first tastes of cruelty that many children experience. Words then can become a double-edged sword that we wield to show our dominance over another person’s feelings while actually making us less of a caring person.

The Avett Brothers sing about the complexity of words in “Ten Thousand Words”. They begin by talking about the very real complication of overthinking a problem leading to a lack of action.

Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Overthinking is one of the most damaging forms of self-sabotage because of the ability of the words to confuse and distort the truth we are looking for. It is a self-absorbed process even when it concerns the welfare of another person. While we may fool ourselves into believing that we are trying to come to the best decision for all involved, what we are really end up doing most of the time is to frustrate and anger ourselves and the people we care for. Relying only on how your mind manipulates words is a sure-fire way to lead yourself into a wrong decision. Tuning into your soul and your higher self through acts like meditation or following your intuition are difficult but helpful ways to let all the words go and make decisions in a more productive way.

They go on to comment on how it seems like everyone has an opinion on most topics regardless of their familiarity of the topic. The chorus seems to point a finger at all of us and right back at the band.

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

Whether it’s gossip, the latest political scandal, or what the Kardashians are up to, we all can pontificate when around certain people. As wrong as I know it to be, I often find myself smack in the middle of a gossip fest once I’m with a certain crowd of people. And whileI have the democratic right to slag off any idiot in office, I have to admit that I sometimes base my words on my emotional response to something he/she has said. I often don’t have the complete facts about the situation. I’m not saying my opinion would change if I had them but I am saying that I recognize myself in the chorus. My words shouldn’t hold the same weight as the words of someone who actually is familiar with the facts but they do. This is probably made worse by social media and the ability to write opinions in blogs like this one. Right or wrong, words have become public in a much more widespread way and without credentials or needed relation to the truth.

So what is the final verdict on words? Well, I think it is as complicated as some people view faith. If your faith is used to help make you a better person, then it is a positive attribute. Conversely, if you use your faith as a way to judge and to condemn other people then it is a negative trait. It is all in how you use it. The ending lyrics of this song appeal to me so much because they seem to be intent on expressing love despite the misguided words of others.

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

I think the stanza is expressing the difference of what “others” (i.e. the press, their fans) THINK they know about them and what is actually true. The band members know that the words of the people they go home to are the only ones worth hearing. The opinions of others are too sullied and/or too clouded by fandom to reflect any personal truths. To me the line “…the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you” expresses their realization that their families are their haven from the sometimes clashing and confusing opinions of the outside world.

When it comes to the power of words in your life, I hope you will think about these points:

  1. If you are allowing words to play over and over in your head, be sure you’re not allowing them to keep you or someone you care about stuck.
  2. Be careful in the words you use in anger or judgement because they are revealing more about you than the intended target.
  3. Be liberal when trying to build up another person with your words because it could be just the saving grace they need.
  4. Look for inspiration in the written and spoken words of others (thank you U2, Bruce Springsteen, and Avett Brothers).
  5. When listening to the opinion of others, consider both the source and their true motivations.
  6. Always go back to your trusted family and friends for the truth.

Nowhere near 10,000 words, but hopefully you can find some authenticity in them anyway.

In The Curve

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Bravery is a tough concept to pin down sometimes. There are the obvious acts of bravery performed by firefighters, police officers, and everyday heroes who risk their own lives to protect another. Then there are the way too many courageous patients battling cancer, dementia, and other horrible diseases as they wake each day forced to face their mortality and the effect their illness has on their loved ones. The families left behind are also obvious candidates for the bravery title. I think it would be hard to find anyone who would argue with these examples of courageous people.

However, there is a gray area when it comes to bravery. This word gets thrown around a lot and can be overused to the point of it being a misnomer. For instance, I get called “brave” whenever I change my hair color. In the past 5 years I have had hair colors ranging from turquoise to silver to purple (it’s currently pink). During the course of a week there are usually one or two people who state how brave I am (just as many people tell me how crazy I am). I always shake my head in amazement because it sounds nonsensical to me. Here’s the thing about hair: it grows. And if you don’t like the color you choose, you can always have it taken out or covered with another color. What is so brave about that? I consider bravery to be an act where you do something that scares you because of how your life can be changed as a result. Pink hair isn’t going to make or break my life.

There are so many songs that the Avett Brothers have written that have elements of true emotional bravery. Almost all of the songs I’ve written about so far have a sense of fearlessness when it comes to expressing emotions. For men in particular, this seems to be a very tricky and intimidating thing to do. The harm that could come from expressing the truth has kept more than one man from coming forward with his true feelings. This makes me believe that emotional pain can be less tolerable to some men than physical pain. And this leads us to this post’s song, “In the Curve”.

Seth details a reckless, drunken car ride in his beloved “..63 Ford” on a “slip n slide highway” one rainy night.

I’ve never taken this curve
Drivin’ this fast before
A glowing stop sign
But both lanes are mine
No seat belts attached to my door

Well my speed meter don’t work
So I’m gonna to guess ninety-five
Well maybe I’ll fix it
And maybe I won’t
It depends on my being alive

That last line in particular encapsulates the recklessness that is the basis for this song. We don’t hear about why this driver has been drinking or why he is taking such a chance behind the wheel, but it isn’t hard to imagine a whole list of reasons because many of us have been there before. Part of why the Avett Brothers are so beloved by their fans is their ability to write about topics that are so relatable. The fact that Seth sings forlornly about his bottle of bourbon which has flown out the window adds a dark humor to the song that makes me laugh and feel sorry for him at the same time. He really seems to care more for the lost bottle than for the chances he is taking with his life. He hints at a woman being at the heart of his upset when he sings about her maybe finding the bottle one day.

So if ever you find it
My photo will go behind it
In memory of me on your shelf

He makes light of dying throughout the song. Now some people may say that this is a brave act because surely everyone is afraid to die. But the truth of the matter is that for some troubled souls the emotional turmoil that they are trapped in can make death seem like a relief. Of course, it is a good possibility that the fascination that some people have with driving fast, living fast, and dying young is really a way to get away from the emotional pain that surrounds them daily. In fact, I think this whole song is the perfect allegory showing the path that many addicts and troubled teens face. The lucky ones make it to the last stanza of this song,

Well I lost control in the curve
And a gas line broke in the wreck
I walked from the ashes
With just a few scratches
My crucifix warm on my neck

Well my good Lord was with me tonight
Just ridin’ beside me tonight
And now we’re just talking
We’re hitch hiking walkin’
We’ll see you in Concord tonight

Discovering spirituality, religion, or any kind of Divine presence in your life can save you from a multitude of evils with self-loathing being at the top of your list. Scott seems to be referring (in his quirky, down-to-earth way)to his own spiritual revelation when he talks about Jesus walking into his hometown (Concord, NC) with him. This is the bravery that every addict must face when he/she hits rock bottom. While the car ride was reckless and would put the fear of God into me, it wasn’t the brave part of this song. The analogy of surrendering it all and starting over is what strikes me as truly heroic.

Nelson Mandela said “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”. I’m glad that whatever demons were haunting Seth didn’t defeat him because if they did, we wouldn’t have these wonderful songs. If you are in a similar situation and feel like dying is less scary than living, please reach out to someone. 1-800-273-8255 is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and always has someone to listen. Be brave and be willing to try again tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe pink IS your color.

And It Spread

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This is another of those Avett Brother songs that fans debate about. Some think it hints about a possible drug habit of one of the bandmates. Others think it originated from a fight between the brothers. I prefer to interpret it as the phenomenon that happens when you allow a positive or a negative attitude spread into different areas of your life. The singer notes how a lover leaving had the effect of making him feel cold and detached from the warmth of connecting with others which led to even more problems:

There was light in the room
Then you left and it was through
Then the frost started in
My toes and fingertips

And it spread
And it spread into my heart
And it spread
And it spread into my heart

Then for I don’t know how long
I settled in to doing wrong
And as the wind fills the sail
Came the thought to hurt my self

And it spread
And it spread into my home
And it spread
And it spread into my soul

While a breakup was probably the catalyst for this song, I think it accurately describes how having a negative outlook on one part of your life can infect other areas as well. Think about the last time you just woke up in a bad mood. Didn’t it follow you to work and back home? I guess it’s human nature but sometimes negativity is hard to compartmentalize. But just like the ending of this song, I prefer to take a more positive outlook on how life can play out:

Then you came back from space
With a brand new laugh and a different face
You took my hand and held it up
And shot my arm full of love

And it spread
And it spread into the world
And it spread
And it spread into the world

While Seth is proclaiming the power of being loved by someone else, I’d like to suggest that finding the strength inside yourself can help you (and those you care about) even more. What follows are a few lessons I have learned through changes in circumstance that started out with resignation and pessimism but ended up as a call to arms which is still affecting various parts of my life. As you read through them, I’m sure some of the realizations will ring true with you as well.

  1. Refuse to allow disappointment in one area of your life affect the good fortune you have in other areas. I learned this recently when I began to allow my failure to get to the truth in one part of my life taint my view on my career. I thought I had handled one area of my personal life in such a mature and spiritually appropriate manner. While I don’t want to go into details, let’s just say that Hannah Montana handled her personal problems in a more adult way than I did. I started to let these mistakes taint how mentally strong I am. I started to doubt professional decisions I used to be able to make in my sleep. Even though I had one of the sweetest and funniest classes ever, I was beginning to long for the end of the school year (so I could spend more time ruminating over my past mistakes in my love life). I had already given up on anything positive happening in one area of my life and then allowed it to spread into my opinion of how the rest of my life was going. By being super-focused on what I didn’t get, I forgot about the blessings I did have.
  2. Don’t allow others to ignore you or treat you harshly. But then something happened. I went to a meeting and heard about an ugly reaction to a problem our school is dealing with. Basically, we will not be an elementary school next year, and all of our kids will be shipped off to other schools. Most of the teachers (not including those who want to teach middle school) will be transferred as well. Without going into detail, let’s just say that people who were supposed to have our backs didn’t seem too concerned about our problem but were VERY concerned about how it was going to affect other schools. No one took into account how we were feeling or the effect this was going to have on our students. Instead, the reaction was “how are THOSE kids going to affect my classroom”. While this reactive self-protection attitude might be understandable and perhaps to be expected, I was enraged by it. I expected to hear messages of support from this group but instead heard about their complaints. This led me to do something out of the ordinary for me: I stood up and complained. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Well, I was done with consenting and ready to answer these complaints with a pointed response of reality.
  3. Being assertive doesn’t make you an asshole. I went home and thought about how hurtful and unsupportive these people had been to us as a faculty. We are a small public school in a big district, and our students are among the poorest in the area. Most of the teachers who are in our building have been here for a good chunk of time and would have happily stayed here until retirement. But as I’ve stated in other blog posts, that isn’t for me. In fact, I had already requested a transfer and was starting to get excited about the next leg of my journey. However, this meeting changed my focus. Now instead of looking forward to a new experience, I was like a mother bear defending her cubs. How dare these people complain when our students were the ones who were going to be faced with going to a new school in the fall. Our entire faculty was going to be separated and some are nervous about even having a position in the first place. I decided I wasn’t going to sit back and let life happen to me anymore. When you have experienced punch after punch in one area of your life, it is so easy to just put up your hands defensively when an attack comes in another area. This is when you have to dig in deep and say “No more!” As much as I hated confrontation, I knew that if I just let this happen with no comment I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror. I also knew that if no one commented on the rejection of our students and staff assimilating into “their” schools that the pessimism would spread without a second thought. I constructed a professional but heated email to the head of this group of people…and ended up spending a better part of an hour editing and revising lines. But as I reworked the email, my resolve grew stronger. This wasn’t right and I wasn’t going to just sit by and let it continue. I felt this pride and glowing feeling spread just as Seth sings about. Normally, I would shake my head and exclaim the defeatist slogan “What can we do about it?” But by refusing to let this virtual slap in the face go unnoticed, I broke a pattern of acquiescence and stood up for myself and my colleagues. We deserved better and I wasn’t concerned how complaining made me look to others. I was okay with the fact that I might not be universally liked anymore because of it.
  4. Risk-taking comes with its own rewards. I also decided that if it made me feel that good to stand up for my colleagues, our students, and myself , then maybe it would help others feel better too. Lately, as I walked through the hallways of our school, I saw a lot of drooped shoulders and heard a lot of sighs. Not knowing what the future held for us except a huge change was weighing heavily on everyone. Morale has been at an all-time low and this blow combined with the ridiculous pressure of state testing was proving to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. So I copied the letter and gave it to my colleagues with an explanation that I felt that someone had to stand up and defend us. As of the writing of this post (4 days after sending this email), I haven’t received a response or even an acknowledgement from the “powers that be”. However, what I have received is overwhelming support from the faculty. Some popped their heads into my room with a thumbs up. Others gave me a “Way to go, Fran!” as they passed me in the hall. My closest friends in the building were more than supportive and encouraged me as I was writing the letter which I had actually texted them the night before when I was worried that it was too harsh. One person even came into my room, hugged me, and began crying because I had worded exactly what she was feeling. These positive reactions from my colleagues allowed us to focus for at least one day on fighting back and standing up for what we knew what was unjust treatment. For at least one day, we were united as a faculty and were able to focus on the justice of finally standing up for ourselves and telling our truth to those who were so quick to dismiss us.

This blog has focused a lot on how the Divine or the Universe wants us to live by a higher law and to spread more love in this sometimes harsh and evil world. The Ego has been characterized as the reactive and less worthy human part of ourselves. But you know what? Sometimes listening to the Ego isn’t a bad thing. Instead of letting the Egos of others intimidate me and make me fall into my default response of accepting the unfair comments and judgements, I chose to fight back. And I didn’t fight back by turning the other cheek or meekly resigning to it while participating in the “woe is me” gossip train that was barreling through our building. While in the past I temporarily allowed the battles in my personal life to infect my professional life to the point of making me feel weak and ‘less than”, I now am ready to let this victory spur me on in all areas of my life. And this is a viral bad-ass attitude that I hope will spread into your life as well.