This song’s title and the opening stanza paint a stark picture for me of an addict who has wasted away and can see the physical damage he has inflicted upon himself. The beginning of this song haunts me and makes me reflect sadly on people from my past. Since I have experienced a number of relationships with addicts at different stages of their journeys, I may be projecting my memories onto this song (Hello! Welcome to my blog!) so take what I say with a grain of salt. However, I think addiction has played a major role in the lives of the AB.
It’s the skin and bones that keep me on the road
The shoulder blades of a beast that haunts my soul
Wandering lonely and scared
I live the tragedy I shared
It’s quick to drag you in but hard to shake
A kiss that doesn’t match how much it takes
Growing stronger and loud
I lived it but now I’m wanting out
The first stanza alludes to addiction as “…a beast that haunts my soul” and the “tragedy” that the band sings about night after night in their concerts. The courage it must take for a songwriter to put his worst moments in a song is hard enough to muster. But to get on stage every night and relive it by singing about it? That is mind-blowing to me. You are standing there naked with all of your flaws on display. You relive the darkest days of your life with thousands of strangers who can recite every word of your songs even though their emotional investment is greatly overshadowed by yours. The second stanza is a clear depiction of addiction and how quickly it lures you in while destroying everything else in your life. I’ve seen addicts so caught up in the ecstasy of their high that they don’t realize they are being arrested or are sitting on a dirty bathroom floor. As someone who has never experimented with drugs but went through a period of heavy drinking, I can honestly say I was scared straight the first time I realized that I drove home and with no recollection of how I got there. Right then and there, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be in that scary position again. Unfortunately, addicts in the throes of addiction just wake up and take up the “tin and board” like nothing ever happened even as their lives and the lives of their loved ones are being blown apart.
While this beginning portion of the song makes me think about addiction, the rest of the song resonates with me because of how it alludes to building a barrier between your heart and the rest of the world.
I built the fence, I hung the sign
Blood red letters said ‘Keep in mind
Where I been so don’t come in’
But how long can you live in shame
And drop a life long curse on your own last name
The trouble is, I’m used to it
Shame over past actions can affect you in so many ways. It can make you scared to try new things for fear of embarrassment. Shame can lead you to self-hatred and self-loathing which works like a vicious circle. “I feel ashamed so I hate myself which makes me feel more ashamed”. As the AB sing, you just get used to feeling bad about yourself. One thing shame doesn’t usually engender is an open heart. Even when someone has made it clear that he/she doesn’t care about the past, people who are mired in shame will do everything in their power to reject any kindness or notion of forgiveness. Isolation begets further confirmation that one is worthless. It’s not a great logical leap to addiction when one is constantly spinning his wheels in the grime and mud of past actions.
Trying to hide behind the “fence” can be seen as self-preservation. We all have been there, our hearts so broken by either the acts of another or by our own “stupid” actions. Most fences are temporary, with time and healing or someone else’s persevering love eventually honing a way through. But I wonder if people living in the past and feeling overwhelming regret think about the effect cutting themselves off can have on the people who love them. Having had some experience in being on the other side of a fence which was as strong as a cement wall (that I admittedly tried to knock down for too long) I thought I would shed some light on the consequences for others.
- Your loved ones feel like they have done something wrong. Even when you insist that “It’s not you, it’s me” that shame you are running away from can be transferred easily to a person trying to reach you. Now instead of just you hurting, someone else in the world is being hurt by your presumed shortcoming.
- Your loved ones can make things worse by trying to “fix” whatever is wrong with you. While a codependent person starts off with good intentions, that quickly escalates to a dysfunctional relationship that can ruin not only any chance you have of healing but also the self-esteem of the other person.
- Your loved one simply gives up one day and moves on with his/her life. While you may think, “Good! I’m not good enough”, please know that this effect reverberates long after the person is “gone”. He/She who moves on only does so with unanswered questions, soul-crushing regrets, and more self-blame for getting involved with someone whose heart is locked away.
Now, reading over this list I realize that pointing out these effects sounds like I’m trying to “guilt” people into not putting up the fence. That is not my intention. Fence-builders don’t need more guilt because they usually cut themselves off out of concern for others. “She’s better off” is his motto. But I do want the fence-builders to realize that you are not sparing anyone by hiding your bad decisions or actions. Whereas you may think you are only hurting yourself, the opposite is true. The people that I have known who built those fences were much harder on themselves than I ever would be. One of those fence builders was my father, and even after he’s been gone for 6 years I still get sad over the way he couldn’t ever let me completely in. It was fear of rejection that made fence-builders want to hide in the first place. So if you ever find yourself feeling afraid to admit the truth about your past to someone, don’t let the fear lead you to cutting yourself off from a much brighter future. Give your friends and loved ones the chance to forgive you or just to acknowledge your history. It will not just be healing for you but it has the potential to lighten the emotional load on the other person. And if you are dealing with a fence-builder, try to send them prayers, good vibes, or other support that doesn’t tie your self-esteem to their healing. While we can love the fence-builders in our lives, we can not save them from their worst enemies: self-condemnation. Hopefully, one day soon he/she will take down that fence and let the light in.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 