Paranoia is defined as a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance. The fact that the Avett Brothers have written a love song with this word in the title makes me smile because I know that they will find a way to make it sound perfectly reasonable. Feeling paranoid is so foreign to what is present in a healthy relationship. Being able to recognize the symptoms of an unsound relationship and a balanced one is the gift I have found in “Paranoia in B Flat Major”.
The song starts off with the singer lamenting where he is at this point in his life:
I keep tellin’ myself that it’ll be fine
You can’t make everybody happy all of the time
I found myself in a place that I never been
A place that I thought that I would never be
There’s people looking back at me
The singer is making a scene which is out of character for the people-pleaser in him. This really resonates with me because this has happened to me a few times in past relationships. I was trying so hard to keep my partner happy that I forgot to pay attention to the fact that I was miserable. When you spend too much time focusing on keeping everyone else happy, your ignored needs and frustrations are going to come out sooner or later. The ‘people looking back at me” are the people you have trained to expect nothing but smiles and compliance from you. A balanced relationship doesn’t give more significance to one person’s needs over another.
I keep having this dream; I’m at a party
There’s people throwing drinks and screaming telling me that I don’t belong
Lately life’s been the same I find this comfortable place
With all my friends then my friends start telling me that I’ve always been wrong
And I’m so tired of being wrong
The singer is complaining about not being taken seriously by his friends. Because he has made mistakes in the past, he is envisioning his friends are condemning him to repeating the same mistakes. This perceived persecution can happen when you have been in a few too many unhealthy relationships. You feel like your current relationship is being judged on the merits of (or lack of) the past relationships. Depending on the opinions of others to evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship or not is a sure sign that relationship is not balanced. When you start to let the outside world dictate your boundaries, you have already abdicated control in the relationship. A balanced relationship is one where the only opinions and boundaries that truly matter are the ones between the partners.
There was a time I could move there was a time I could breathe
The crowded spaces filled with angry faces
It didn’t once cross my mind
With paranoia on my heels; Will you love me still
When we awake and you find that the sanity has gone from my eyes?
Again, the “others” who invade the boundaries of a relationship can destroy any kind of trust and loyalty found in a healthy relationship. True freedom in a relationship doesn’t mean that each partner can do whatever he or she wants. The choice to value a third party, whether it be another person, a career, or an addiction, over your partner guarantees not only jealousy but also an unbalanced relationship where what “I” want is more important than what “we” want. A healthy relationship isn’t crowded. It truly is reminiscent of insanity because it throws off the intimacy that should be present between two souls. A balanced relationship is one where you can count on your partner to remember and value the importance of intimacy in your connection.
I got secrets from you, you got secrets from me
Because you’re so worried about what I’m gonna think
Baby I’m worried too
But if love is a game, girl, then you’re gonna win
I’ll spend the rest of my life bringing victory in
If you want me to
About a decade ago the big thing in dating was a woman knowing “The Rules” and how use them to snag a partner. The main problem with that game-ship mindset is that love is not something that responds to strategy. Keeping things secret like your past, your mistakes, your dreams, and your fears creates the biggest obstacle to intimacy in a relationship. The first three lines of this stanza speak to the lack of logic of this approach to a relationship. Everybody has fears of not being understood and accepted by others. Hiding your fears and your dreams from a partner is one last sure sign that the relationship is doomed. If you are omitting this information, then a strong bond based on truth and trust can’t be formed. A balanced relationship is one where both partners come out on top because they have shared their worst fears and still respect one another.
So there you have it. Paranoia may creep into balanced relationships at times, but it is locked into unhealthy ones. Don’t allow your own paranoia to ruin what could be an otherwise beautiful relationship.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 