Tag: Spiriuality

Ten Thousand Words

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

As a writer the most important tools I have are the words I choose. On some of my posts it can take over an hour just to have a sentence convey the message I have in my head or heart. When it comes to speaking, I often stumble over my words and part of the reason may be because I’m so fastidious about my word choice ( I considered using the “persnickety” and “anal” for fastidious which shows you how crazy I can be with word choice). More than once in my life I have had to rely on the written word to express myself when any other person would probably just have a conversation face to face. Words are precious to me, and I honor the power that they can have when I use them.

There are song writers (beyond the obvious topic of this blog) who have inspired and motivated me with their selective word choice. Bruce Springsteen expressed my main romantic malaise in “Hungry Heart” before I even knew what the word malaise meant. U2 wrote a lyric so beautiful and inspiring that I have it tattooed on my arm (“Grace makes beauty/Out of ugly things”). Poets like , W.H. Auden, Langston Hughes, and Sylvia Plath made me awestruck in college with the overwhelming feelings communicated through their poetry. Jen Sincero, Jen Lancaster, Shonda Rhimes, and Jack Canfield have motivated me to change both my mindset and my life through their transformational books. The written word has been my lifeline through so many heartaches and disappointments.

However, I know that words can also be used as weapons and I have been hurt by more than one careless phrase or another (I also have done my share of hurting). I think once we realize the power that words can have over someone else we suddenly lose a bit of the purity of our soul. As we have all experienced, young children often are unaware of the repercussions of some of the things they say. I know I have laughed out loud more than once when a young child has said something inappropriate or a little too true to my face. But once we learn that we can hurt others with our words, the possibility of using them in an intentionally malicious manner takes some of our innocence away. Bullying and the formation of cliques in school are often the first tastes of cruelty that many children experience. Words then can become a double-edged sword that we wield to show our dominance over another person’s feelings while actually making us less of a caring person.

The Avett Brothers sing about the complexity of words in “Ten Thousand Words”. They begin by talking about the very real complication of overthinking a problem leading to a lack of action.

Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Overthinking is one of the most damaging forms of self-sabotage because of the ability of the words to confuse and distort the truth we are looking for. It is a self-absorbed process even when it concerns the welfare of another person. While we may fool ourselves into believing that we are trying to come to the best decision for all involved, what we are really end up doing most of the time is to frustrate and anger ourselves and the people we care for. Relying only on how your mind manipulates words is a sure-fire way to lead yourself into a wrong decision. Tuning into your soul and your higher self through acts like meditation or following your intuition are difficult but helpful ways to let all the words go and make decisions in a more productive way.

They go on to comment on how it seems like everyone has an opinion on most topics regardless of their familiarity of the topic. The chorus seems to point a finger at all of us and right back at the band.

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

Whether it’s gossip, the latest political scandal, or what the Kardashians are up to, we all can pontificate when around certain people. As wrong as I know it to be, I often find myself smack in the middle of a gossip fest once I’m with a certain crowd of people. And whileI have the democratic right to slag off any idiot in office, I have to admit that I sometimes base my words on my emotional response to something he/she has said. I often don’t have the complete facts about the situation. I’m not saying my opinion would change if I had them but I am saying that I recognize myself in the chorus. My words shouldn’t hold the same weight as the words of someone who actually is familiar with the facts but they do. This is probably made worse by social media and the ability to write opinions in blogs like this one. Right or wrong, words have become public in a much more widespread way and without credentials or needed relation to the truth.

So what is the final verdict on words? Well, I think it is as complicated as some people view faith. If your faith is used to help make you a better person, then it is a positive attribute. Conversely, if you use your faith as a way to judge and to condemn other people then it is a negative trait. It is all in how you use it. The ending lyrics of this song appeal to me so much because they seem to be intent on expressing love despite the misguided words of others.

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

I think the stanza is expressing the difference of what “others” (i.e. the press, their fans) THINK they know about them and what is actually true. The band members know that the words of the people they go home to are the only ones worth hearing. The opinions of others are too sullied and/or too clouded by fandom to reflect any personal truths. To me the line “…the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you” expresses their realization that their families are their haven from the sometimes clashing and confusing opinions of the outside world.

When it comes to the power of words in your life, I hope you will think about these points:

  1. If you are allowing words to play over and over in your head, be sure you’re not allowing them to keep you or someone you care about stuck.
  2. Be careful in the words you use in anger or judgement because they are revealing more about you than the intended target.
  3. Be liberal when trying to build up another person with your words because it could be just the saving grace they need.
  4. Look for inspiration in the written and spoken words of others (thank you U2, Bruce Springsteen, and Avett Brothers).
  5. When listening to the opinion of others, consider both the source and their true motivations.
  6. Always go back to your trusted family and friends for the truth.

Nowhere near 10,000 words, but hopefully you can find some authenticity in them anyway.

In The Curve

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

Bravery is a tough concept to pin down sometimes. There are the obvious acts of bravery performed by firefighters, police officers, and everyday heroes who risk their own lives to protect another. Then there are the way too many courageous patients battling cancer, dementia, and other horrible diseases as they wake each day forced to face their mortality and the effect their illness has on their loved ones. The families left behind are also obvious candidates for the bravery title. I think it would be hard to find anyone who would argue with these examples of courageous people.

However, there is a gray area when it comes to bravery. This word gets thrown around a lot and can be overused to the point of it being a misnomer. For instance, I get called “brave” whenever I change my hair color. In the past 5 years I have had hair colors ranging from turquoise to silver to purple (it’s currently pink). During the course of a week there are usually one or two people who state how brave I am (just as many people tell me how crazy I am). I always shake my head in amazement because it sounds nonsensical to me. Here’s the thing about hair: it grows. And if you don’t like the color you choose, you can always have it taken out or covered with another color. What is so brave about that? I consider bravery to be an act where you do something that scares you because of how your life can be changed as a result. Pink hair isn’t going to make or break my life.

There are so many songs that the Avett Brothers have written that have elements of true emotional bravery. Almost all of the songs I’ve written about so far have a sense of fearlessness when it comes to expressing emotions. For men in particular, this seems to be a very tricky and intimidating thing to do. The harm that could come from expressing the truth has kept more than one man from coming forward with his true feelings. This makes me believe that emotional pain can be less tolerable to some men than physical pain. And this leads us to this post’s song, “In the Curve”.

Seth details a reckless, drunken car ride in his beloved “..63 Ford” on a “slip n slide highway” one rainy night.

I’ve never taken this curve
Drivin’ this fast before
A glowing stop sign
But both lanes are mine
No seat belts attached to my door

Well my speed meter don’t work
So I’m gonna to guess ninety-five
Well maybe I’ll fix it
And maybe I won’t
It depends on my being alive

That last line in particular encapsulates the recklessness that is the basis for this song. We don’t hear about why this driver has been drinking or why he is taking such a chance behind the wheel, but it isn’t hard to imagine a whole list of reasons because many of us have been there before. Part of why the Avett Brothers are so beloved by their fans is their ability to write about topics that are so relatable. The fact that Seth sings forlornly about his bottle of bourbon which has flown out the window adds a dark humor to the song that makes me laugh and feel sorry for him at the same time. He really seems to care more for the lost bottle than for the chances he is taking with his life. He hints at a woman being at the heart of his upset when he sings about her maybe finding the bottle one day.

So if ever you find it
My photo will go behind it
In memory of me on your shelf

He makes light of dying throughout the song. Now some people may say that this is a brave act because surely everyone is afraid to die. But the truth of the matter is that for some troubled souls the emotional turmoil that they are trapped in can make death seem like a relief. Of course, it is a good possibility that the fascination that some people have with driving fast, living fast, and dying young is really a way to get away from the emotional pain that surrounds them daily. In fact, I think this whole song is the perfect allegory showing the path that many addicts and troubled teens face. The lucky ones make it to the last stanza of this song,

Well I lost control in the curve
And a gas line broke in the wreck
I walked from the ashes
With just a few scratches
My crucifix warm on my neck

Well my good Lord was with me tonight
Just ridin’ beside me tonight
And now we’re just talking
We’re hitch hiking walkin’
We’ll see you in Concord tonight

Discovering spirituality, religion, or any kind of Divine presence in your life can save you from a multitude of evils with self-loathing being at the top of your list. Scott seems to be referring (in his quirky, down-to-earth way)to his own spiritual revelation when he talks about Jesus walking into his hometown (Concord, NC) with him. This is the bravery that every addict must face when he/she hits rock bottom. While the car ride was reckless and would put the fear of God into me, it wasn’t the brave part of this song. The analogy of surrendering it all and starting over is what strikes me as truly heroic.

Nelson Mandela said “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”. I’m glad that whatever demons were haunting Seth didn’t defeat him because if they did, we wouldn’t have these wonderful songs. If you are in a similar situation and feel like dying is less scary than living, please reach out to someone. 1-800-273-8255 is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline and always has someone to listen. Be brave and be willing to try again tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe pink IS your color.

The Perfect Space

by yankeefran, posted in Avett Brothers

Feeling like you don’t belong can be one of the most awful feelings a person can experience. Beyond the hormone-driven teenage years when young adults are desperate to fit in while trying to assert their identity separate from their parents, seeing oneself as the square peg in a round hole can be very painful. The Avett Brothers seem to be alluding to this familiar and very human circumstance in the following lines:

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.

It is truly a gift to be able to be yourself with no need to edit your words or to act in a way that is expected. Not having to be on guard when you’re around others frees you to express the uniqueness that makes you, you. Part of this magic is created when you surround yourself with people who are willing to accept you, quirky warts and all. People who stand by you in your dark times as well as your triumphs are the ones Scott seems to be singing about.

I wanna have friends that I can trust,
that love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was.
I wanna have friends that will let me be
all alone when being alone is all that I need.

But another essential ingredient is that you have done the work within yourself and have reached a place in your life where the opinions of others no longer affect your self-regard. This common teenage malady of low self-esteem is what causes so many of us to follow the crowd and make decisions that often end up scarring our souls. These are the weights that can be carried for the rest of our lives if the inner work is not done. This means that you can have the most compassionate and supportive friends in the world but if you still feel like there is something wrong with you, the ease of fitting in will never materialize. Alternatively, you can be the most enlightened person but being surrounded by people who don’t value you (i.e. assholes) can also create discomfort and unhappiness.

I can’t help but think of all of the colleagues that I have worked with throughout my multi-district career as a teacher. Unlike most elementary teachers, I didn’t get hired by one district and work there for my whole career. I have worked in private, public, urban, suburban, and even rural districts for over 28 years. There was always a short period of time where I struggled to find my place in each new school. But I have been very blessed by the friendships I formed in each of the schools. The people who went out of their way to make me feel welcome in each new position are the ones with whom I still am in communication. When we get together, it is as if no time at all has passed. This is the gift of belonging, and it is one of the many gifts from God for which I am so grateful.

Of course, the opposite is also true. There are people who accepted me when I was “one of them”. But as soon as I spread my wings to go onto my next adventure, it was as if I never existed. I don’t just mean falling out of touch. Life is busy and as we grow older everyone has a hard time staying in touch with even the best of your friends. What I have found to be most disappointing is bumping into former colleagues and finding that we have nothing left to talk about. Over the course of 15 years I changed from a people-pleasing, “suburban wife” wannabe who took approval from the “in crowd” as a sign of success to a sarcastic, sometimes cynical, new age hippie who has learned to not judge people by their appearance nor their zip code but by their actions. Always being the single girl in a crowd of married folks with babies used to make me feel “less than” but that was down to me and my self-esteem. No, what really bothers me now is that some of the people who I used to swear would be friends for life now just look at me blankly like they have no idea who I am. My true friends (and many still are married folks with babies) don’t care that I read tarot cards, listen to music that is rarely played on the radio, have tattoos, or post way too much on facebook. They accept me for who I am today, and more importantly, I accept myself for the person I have worked so hard to become.

I wanna have pride like my mother has,
And not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad.

Once you develop that pride in who you are and what you will and won’t stand for, then true belonging can take place. The next time you find yourself feeling like you don’t belong, ask yourself two questions:

  1. Am I judging myself harshly about something? Is this situtation triggering some childhood hurt that still needs healing? If so, try to ignore the immediate discomfort but then work on the issue that is leading you to feel badly. This isn’t an easy process but it is one that give you access to a much more peaceful life.
  2. Am I surrounded by assholes? If the answer is yes, get the hell away from them. If not, revert back to question 1.

I wish for you all to attain the inner knowledge that you are worthy and to always be surrounded by people who are open to your uniqueness. That really is the perfect space.

The Weight of Lies

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

“The Weight of Lies” by the Avett Brothers is such a great title for a song because of the evocative images it produces. When I first saw the title I thought that maybe the song was going to be about how deceiving people ends up giving you nothing but guilt and a heavy heart. But after listening to the entire song it seems it could be more about living your life authentically which means showing your “bad” side along with the “good”.

Disappear from your home town
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all of your good parts
Leave town when the bad ones start to show

I once heard the worst thing a man can do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name, pride, and confidence
But leaving out his doubts
I’m not sure I bought those words
When I was young I knew most everything
These words have never meant as much to anyone
As they now mean to me

Living my life authentically is a new journey for me and one that has led me to write this blog in spite of being a fairly private person. I have always taken tentative steps towards my true self but always ended up retreating to my default persona when things got too hard to handle. As a child and young adult, I was usually the one to listen to my parents, get the good grades, win the awards. But there were those moments when I dared to not be the “perfect” girl. Times when I insisted that what I held to be true was going to be more important than what others felt what was important. I insisted on applying to colleges in Rochester because I wanted to live there. My father was hesitant about me going, but my mother was downright against it. Neither one of them wanted me that far away when there was a perfectly good college down the street.

When I was accepted to both colleges, the decision was left to me. My mother was about to go in the hospital for surgery, and the last possible day to send the deposit for college fell on the night before she had to go in. I can still see her sitting with the checkbook in her hand, looking up at me with a sad resignation on her face. “Well?” she asked. “Who am I making this check out too?”. Shame raced through my body, and I felt a heaviness on my shoulders which I now recognize as fear and guilt. It was obvious to me that my mother didn’t want me to leave, and she was about to go into the hospital. I felt like I couldn’t say Nazareth although my heart was screaming it. With a sigh and a downcast face I replied “St. Rose”. In that moment I had allowed my “good girl” image to overrule what I felt was my true calling. When I was boarding a plane 3 years later to study abroad, my mother complained that I was the only passenger not turning to wave goodbye. However, it wasn’t out of spite or any kind of delayed payback. It was because I finally had allowed myself to make the authentic decision to study where I wanted, And let me tell you, no awards or compliments on being a good girl ever felt as good as striding up that ramp to my future.

Since my college days, I have had small ventures into living an authentic life. I have ended relationships when I realized that what I felt was not love but infatuation. When new teaching opportunities in other districts became available, I stepped into them with confidence and determination even as the fear of entering the unknown gnawed at my spirit. I have found when you are truly living an authentic life, the fears of the Ego don’t just hide away. They actually become more intense as they try to steer you off your path with self-sabotaging thoughts. But if you stand firm in what you believe is right for you, then you are able to do battle with the Ego using your higher self and your angels as your back up.

Even today I find myself striving to live more authentically in several areas. Career decisions are looming, and fate may steer me in a direction I cannot fathom at this point. Financial issues have also long overridden some dreams that I have had to put away. Searching for ways to become better aligned with those dreams is a nerve-wracking daily activity. Emotionally, I am wrestling with how to balance my deep feelings for a man whom I feel destined to be reunited with the reality of our separation. When following your authentic desires in matters of the heart means impinging on the truth felt by another person, it can become complicated. Communication lies at the heart of authenticity so prolonged periods of silence make it impossible for it to bloom for either person. Following your true path may mean making it uncomfortable not only for yourself but for the other person. This is where grace and spiritual growth has to step in and help nudge you in the right direction. Whether through prayer, meditation, music, journaling, or some other form of connection with Spirit, we have to find a way for the light to break through. That uncomfortable feeling is a sure sign that you’re leaving your comfort zone and finally living your truth. Continuing to shy away from the truth will catch up with you in the end.

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town ’cause
Nothing happens here that doesn’t happen there
So, when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from ’cause
Lies don’t need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

When trying to decide if you’re making choices that are responding to the truth within you, ask yourself if you are running away from or running towards something or someone. Being authentic isn’t something to hurry along, but life does go by so quickly. My wish for you is that you respond to the flow of abundance with your hearts, your minds, your eyes, and your arms wide open.

Victims of Life

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

The word victim is one of those words that has highly personal and negative connotations for me. Beyond the unfair nature that surrounds people who are true victims (i.e. children who are abused, adults who are violated physically, unlucky people in the path of a natural disaster), to be a victim in my mind has represented choosing to let problems overcome you. It may sound uncaring or judgmental, but I’ve always seen someone who takes on the label of being a victim as someone who has chosen to give away their power.

Before you click right off of this post with disgust over my lack of empathy, let me explain that the perceived victim that I have judged the most harshly is myself. In the past, I have not only let myself be viewed as a victim but whole-heartedly advertised myself as one. I reveled in the feeling of people feeling sorry for me because of some event that happened to me. I’m not sure where this developed in my childhood but I suspect it has to do with the fact that I never really dared to emote my true feelings when I was younger. I was always the shy smiley kid in the corner who on the inside really was terrified of life in general. When life did give me a kick in the teeth, instead of complaining I would wait for someone to notice my situation. It felt so rewarding to have someone try to stand up for me as opposed to me actually expressing my anger over it. I’m thankful that I outgrew that persona but not so proud about how long it took. I think I carried this “poor me” attitude well into my 30s.

When did I stop proudly wearing the victim pin of honor? I think it was around the time that I first learned about the power of the Law of Attraction. I realized that as long as I carried around this doomsday kind of attitude about bad luck bringing tragedies to my door, there was never going to be any kind of hope for an enriching future. I began to revel in the possibilities of the future right around the time of my niece’s birth. She was born into a family (on my side) of women who had their share of bad luck. Here are just a few of the curveballs that life has thrown at us: death of a beloved son, brother, nephew at age 27, inherited and crippling rheumatoid arthritis, being forced to give away a child (and being that child who was given away), brain cancer, leukemia, fatal car crashes, years lost to family feuds between husbands, and countless miscarriages. Yet we have many more women still standing in our family than men. It is that strength that I saw and continue to see in my niece that gives me hope for the future.

You may have noted some of the difficulties that my family faced are similar or identical to yours. I think that this is one of the messages of the song, “Victims of Life”. As they rattle off a list of the types of victimhood found in life, there is a sense of belonging and affinity which resonates alongside the jaunty guitar riffs. It almost gives off the feeling of the celebration of being a victim.

Victims of cycles, victims of life
Victims of wrong, victims of right
Victims of winning, victims of loss
Victims of payment, victims of cost
You got the victims of violence, victims of peace
You know we’re all victims, exactly like me
Victims of anything, and all the above
Victims of hate, victims of love

I think most of us can relate to feeling like victims when we have had loss, violence, or unfairness permeate our lives. But when I first heard the lyrics to this song, I immediately felt confused about the seemingly “positive” victims like those of peace, of winning, and of payment. Maybe they are alluding to the fact that your perspective of events can taint your responses to those events? Yes, you received the payment but it wasn’t what you thought you deserved. The peace brought to you may come at the cost of your pride being swallowed. And I think we can all relate to “winning” an argument only to realize that what really had worth was lost to you forever.

I think the core of my interpretation of the song hinges on the verse below:

My soul’s got a shovel, mind’s got two arms
They’re digging a trench, right through my heart
They can’t agree, except on one thing
They’ve gone too far now and they’re too close to leave

I believe what the Avett Brothers are advocating is the act of digging deep to find ways to relate to one another. There is no judgment on their part on any kind of victim because they feel that everyone is working through their own shit. By acknowledging the fact that we all are facing inner demons, we can all find ways to accept one another and to have empathy for what others are going through even if we can’t immediately relate to it.

Looking within takes lots of strength and will power. Taking what you learned about yourself and applying it to the suffering of another is an act of courage and faith. As Seth sings, if you live in fear, you’re already dead. Don’t keep yourself closed off to someone because you have fear of the pain he/she is facing. Be willing to be part of the solution and to let him/her know that you have been there too. I think that is the only kind of victim I want to be.

Black, Blue

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

This haunting song was one that I didn’t like upon hearing it the first few times. The title made me think of ways that we hurt each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It made me feel sad and exacerbated a feeling of hopelessness that I had felt about certain situations. My mom had just entered a rehab center to recover from her broken arm which meant spending the holidays away from home, and my mood wasn’t at the highest. I think this contributed to my initial rejection of the song.

But “Black,Blue” and especially the chorus have stalked me the last few weeks. The lyrics have echoed in my mind at really weird times like when I first arise in the morning, when I’m showering, or when I’m driving and listening to another song entirely. The powerful chorus is short and mournful.

Black, blue, her, you
White, green, him, me

8 little words with no verbs…why couldn’t I get them out of my head? I’ve intended to write about this song for the last few posts but couldn’t find the inspiration or my reason for writing about it. Suddenly, this morning it hit me: the colors and the meaning behind them. The energy behind those colors had a message worth sharing.

I have read about the spiritual significance of colors mainly in Dougal Fraser’s book, Your Life in Color. This book explores the significance that color can play in your day to day decisions. He explains how to use the energy given off by each color to help you accomplish your goals. I was fascinated by the energies held by the 4 colors in the chorus of this song.Here was my inspiration finally to write this post.

Black– I was so excited to look back at Your Life In Color in order to see what Fraser wrote about this color only to be disappointed because he doesn’t have it listed as one the energies. So a quick google search found some associations with the color black at the following site: https://www.bourncreative.com/meaning-of-the-color-black/

Black is associated with power, fear, mystery, strength, authority, elegance, formality, death, evil, and aggression, authority, rebellion, and sophistication. Black is required for all other colors to have depth and variation of hue…Black is a mysterious color that is typically associated with the unknown or the negative. (Jennifer Bourne, http://www.bourncreative.com)

Fraser does have energies listed for the other colors. After highlighting some of the energies surrounding these colors, I will analyze why I feel this song has been stalking me lately (If you find this topic of energies behind colors at all fascinating like I do, I highly recommend getting yourself a copy of Your Life in Color. It is filled with various ways to use color to your advantage.).

Blue- positive qualities -truth and wisdom shadow side- avoidance and fear: Blue helps remove any possible denial we may experience when it comes to seeing others for who they really are as opposed to who we want them to  be…just as blue must be incorporated as a base in order to create a variety  of colors,a willingness to blend the truth into every situation is a primary  ingredient in learning blue’s lesson (pp71-72, chapter 5).

White– positive qualities – spiritual cleansing and clarity shadow side-feeling overwhelmed by responsibility. The white light illuminates the parts of our being needing attention as well as the parts that can be released…When using white, we intend to create a fresh start in whatever we focus on. 

White represents a new chapter and a new set of intentions, creating a sense of clarity in our lives (pp28-29, Chapter 2).

Now, Fraser has two types of green listed, emerald green and mint green. I was drawn more to the emerald green so here is what he says about this color.

Green-  positive qualities- communication and creativity . shadow side- blocked self-expression..I find that deeper shades (of green) like emerald are best for when you want to let your creative juices flow. 

On the communication front, emerald will help clear misunderstandings in your relationships and allow  you to find the most perfect words to express yourself (pp93-94, Chapter 6).

I really was amazed when I finished looking up these colors and their associative energies because they not only seemed to go along with the story told in the song but also provided guidance that seemed to be tailored to some common negative situations in which many people (including myself) may find themselves. The first stanza has the narrator cutting off communication with the outside world.

Nobody will call

As long as I keep the phone off the line Not as long as I keep my voice down inside my mouth But it’s getting harder to hide.

The negative energy of the black can be read and heard in these lyrics. When someone has cut you out of his/her life like the narrator has done, you often have many unanswered questions. The mystery never leaves you thinking positively but does cause you to jump on every negative possibility that crosses your confused mind. The blue energy of avoidance and fear can also be felt when the narrator tries to shut out “…the voices that seem to come from all sides/Makes it hard to decide”. When you are shutting yourself away from others, it can be hard to know which voices are real and which are ones that your Ego is using to keep you stuck.

The green energy of miscommunication is clearly stated in how the narrator feels that people will never consider him to be “…a fine, young, upstanding man/with his ducks in a row and his 50 year plan”. But the narrator actually does worry about how and if he will grow into an older wise man. A

But it’s getting harder to see
And the time between daylight seems longer to me
And the person I am, and the person I’ll be
Refuse to meet

This dark night of the soul is eating away at this man even though others may see him as being carefree and devoid of any responsible thoughts at all. The narrator isn’t the only one in this song who feels the pressure of not reaching his potential. There is a woman who is rocking the negative aspects of the white energy when she looks at her past choices with regret.

I know a woman who said
“Oh if I could only just turn back the clock
When I was still scared and my hair was still dark
And my hands were clean
But now all my choices are spent
And the men that I’ve known, they don’t know what I meant
And Cupid’s arrow is backwards and bent
When it’s flying for me”

She is an older woman who can relate with the younger narrator in that she is faced with miscommunication of her intentions. Her hands are no longer clean because she allowed them to become stained with the fear (black) and blundered conversations (green) of her past. The shadow sides of these colors are echoed throughout the song.

The teacher in me can’t leave this grim analogy here and so I ask, where is the lesson? Is this song just a hopeless representation of how wasted a life or a connection can be? Did this song stalk me just to point out how isolated and sad life can be? No. Here is the advice (ala Dougall Fraser) I would offer in the seemingly hopeless situations represented in the song. Consider it a color prescription for your soul when you are going through these common struggles.

Issue #1– You are cutting yourself off from communicating with the ones you care about.- Look for the strength within yourself to reach out to others. If you need help, ask for it. Harness the strength associated with the color of black to help you break down the wall between you and the people you love. Keeping yourself isolated only allows the demons in your mind to take control and cause you to make mistake after mistake. If there is someone you care about that you are ghosting from your life, use the wise energy of blue to stop denying your feelings. By reaching out to heal your own heart’s wounds, you most likely will be a healing tonic for the soul of another.

Issue #2- Like the woman in the second stanza, you are feeling regret over past decisions concerning your romantic life.– Use the healing power of white to give yourself permission to start again. Whether you are 25 or 75, everyone deserves a fresh start. Use white to spotlight what the regrets are and then let them go! A perfect time to do this is when the moon is full. Take advantage of the gorgeous milky moonlight to release your regrets and to call in your next love. Set the intention to bring love into your life and use the novel energy of white to begin again.

Issue #3– You are scared over the unknowns of your future self and find others are judging you harshly– Make all your future decisions based on your own personal truths. Contemplate or meditate on what those personal truths are and then act on them. Whether your personal truth is that you are a nurturer who can no longer work in the cut-throat world of business or that your artistic side is one that you can no longer pursue only when you have time, own it and breathe life into it. Use the abundant blue in nature (i.e. sky, ocean, flowers) to inspire you to live according to your beliefs. If that means you need to stage a little rebellion, look to black to help you do so without hurting anyone else. Use the green creative energy to express yourself and use the wisdom of blue to disregard what others think or say.

I am so glad that I gave this song a chance to deliver its message (as I interpret it) and to help me reflect on what I learned about color energy. I hope it encourages you to use a rainbow to help you through the tough moments in life.

Murder in the City

by yankeefran, posted in Uncategorized

My intention was to write a post about forgiveness because I have recently found the strength to forgive myself and others for past hurts. But that post will have to wait for now because of something I read online last night. Doreen Virtue was a New Age guru for many years. She was the woman to whom I was drawn way back in the 1990s when I was learning about oracle cards. She designed and co-created many of the decks that are among my favorites to use during spiritual readings. In 2017 she “found” Jesus and now is very much a fundamentalist to the point that she has asked for her name to be taken off of any New Age material that she produced (and amassed a fortune selling) in any future printings.

I was shocked by this conversion but had no problem with it because everyone has their own journey to follow. It did make me sad because I felt she had such a good energy and aura about her, and I enjoyed learning from her teachings. But like I said, no hard feelings. That is until yesterday when I discovered that she had published a list on her website that was basically a fear-mongering list of New Age concepts that she condemned as being demonic and a straight road to Hell. Now many of the items were downright funny like the notion that unicorns, Harry Potter, peace signs, crystals and the use of the OMG emoji were the work of the Devil. (I can just see the Devil now riding on his unicorn in his peace sign t-shirt delivering crystals to a bunch of demons reading the Harry Potter series). The entries that really angered me were the ones that attacked common New Age practices like believing that we are part of the Divine, the use of oracle cards, living mindfully, and connecting with Spirit Guides. In addition to these attacks she went after cultural practices such as Feng Shui, Shamanism, Sweat Lodges, Polytheism, Dream Catchers, and Drumming Circles.

Although she prefaced this hateful list with an explanation as to why she was publishing it, her intention did not need to be stated: she wanted to scare people into doubting the practices that have brought peace to their lives. Just stating that you are not being negative or fear-based does not make it true just as saying “No offense” before you deliver an insult does not make what you are saying any less offensive. I was highly offended. But then I thought about the topic of forgiveness, my intended focus for this blog entry. And I used some of what I have learned in my spiritual awakening to create my own list.

This list is an affirmation (one of Virtue’s no-nos) of what has helped me create a daily relationship with God. I hope it helps to enlighten any of my readers about what my take on New Age practices is and how they have helped me find peace. If the list doesn’t resonate with you, no hard feelings. Please keep worshipping the way you do (or don’t) because that is your right and responsibility as a free thinking human.

Archangels– Virtue introduced me to the co-creator of her oracle decks, Radleigh Valentine who I consider to be the guru on this special group of angels that include Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel. I call on these representatives from God to help protect me and give me the strength I need to get through this crazy thing called life.

Breathe- Learning how to take deep breaths to let off stress basically saved my life. I suffered from major panic attacks that prevented me from working for a period of time. I learned about how shallow breathing added to the confusion my brain was feeling as it was being attacked by anxiety and depression. I shudder to think where I would be now if I didn’t start living a mindful life with this simple command: just breathe.

Crystals- I have always been fascinated with rocks and minerals so it was a short leap to exploring crystals and their energies (which I believe were infused by God to help us). Among my favorites are pink quartz (loving energy), blue lace agate (calming energy), and amethyst (intuition). I don’t believe they are magical, just infused with what God felt we humans would need as we struggled with free will.

Divine- I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But I also believe that we have a part of the divine within us. I don’t see how this is so different from what I was taught as a Catholic. We were all made in God’s likeness, right? Just like you can call me Fran, Frances, Francesca, Franny (only if you know me well, please), or Ms. Lo, I believe you can call the entity of what you believe in anything you want.

Earth Angel- I believe that we all have the opportunity to spread love in this world and act as earth angels. I do not believe any angel or entity to be God’s equal. But I do think He encouraged us to take on the mantle of earth angel when He asked us to love others as we love ourselves. Think about that warm feeling you get after doing something good for another person. To me that is God’s affirming love encouraging you on your journey.

Forgiveness- The original topic of this blog has played a large part in my life recently. I had to forgive myself for many things recently and a big one was holding grudges. I am still working on this bad habit and expect I will stumble in the future. However, I have felt the healing that forgiving myself and those that I love can engender. I will write more about this in the future.

God- Always have and always will believe in my benevolent creator. I would be lost without Him in my life. Period.

Heart Chakra– I have to admit I’m still a bit of a novice when it comes to all this chakra business. But I do believe that we can raise our vibration by focusing on the heart chakra. Mine has been so low for so long that I am making it the center of my new learnings.

I am love– …and so are you. We were made from love and will return to the Divine when our time on this earth ends. This is also an affirmation that I try to say daily to help boost my self-care.

Meditation– I laughed about this ritual back when anxiety had a hold of my life. I only recently began reaping the benefits of quieting the racing thoughts that go through an anxious mind. Along with the deep breathing, it saved my life because some of those racing thoughts were really poisonous.

Networking– I have found so many like-minded souls in online groups. Networking with some of these people have opened my mind to possible future careers and helped me learn about other aspects of spirituality that I hadn’t thought about before. And I’m all about the learning as you know if you have read my blog.

Oracle Cards- These are tools that I use to channel messages from the Divine. They hold no value in themselves. I do not worship them or think that they hold some kind of deep power. I use them to help me better understand the messages that I feel Spirit is sending me. If the message is negative or in attack mode, then I know my good old Ego or thinking mind is getting in the way.

Pray– I pray multiple times a day now that I have embraced this new way of life. I pray for myself, for my friends and family, and often for my students. Even back when I was in Catholic school, attending First Friday mass and Sunday mass, I never prayed this much.

Queens– In the tarot decks I use, the energy of the Queen of Coins is what I long to have. She is down to earth, abundant, loving, and rational. However, the Queen of Cups is what I tend to be like: emotional, well-meaning but sometimes led astray by my emotions. The Queen of Swords’ energy is akin to those moments when I am a bitch or those rare times when I’m logical in looking at a problem. And the Queen of Wands is full of fire and energy…yeah, she doesn’t come up all that often unless it’s baseball season lol.

Respect– I respect everyone’s spiritual beliefs. Everyone has their own journey to God, and no one way is better than the other.

Share Your Gifts– I believe that God gave us all special talents and that He wants us to share them. He wants us to share these gifts because He gave us these gifts to help heal this crazy world. I consider my gifts to include writing, working with children, and using humor to get through hard times.

Tarot Cards- I know this is a touchy subject for many people. Here is how I see tarot cards: they are images and words that represent our journey from darkness to light. I truly don’t believe they are evil or even that they have any kind of special power beyond being used as a tool to figure out where you are on a specific journey. However, I understand the fear around these tools. With cards named The Devil, Death, and the Hanged Man how could you not be a little spooked? But through my twenty years of using them I have been able to see the deeper meaning behind each card In fact the Death card is one of my favorites to receive because it talks about transformation.

Unity– My spirituality is based on unity: with Spirit, with others, and within my own sometimes fractured soul. There are no cliques or superiors in my belief system.

Valentine– Radleigh Valentine is a teacher to whom I owe a big debt of gratitude. He has taught me about my inner connection to the Divine and how to help others find that connection through the use of oracle cards. He is also an honest to God earth angel with a giggle that cracks me up every time I hear it.

Writing- Using this gift from God combined with my spirituality has helped me heal so much in the past year or so. I hope never to let a long period of time go by without me writing again.

Xtremes– Okay, I admit it hurt the English teacher in me to spell extreme this way but you gotta do what you gotta do. My awakening has made me wary of extremes in anything in life. I reject the fundamentalist, hateful beliefs of those whose religion includes exclusion. Yet I also don’t believe that we are born, we live, and we die with no connection to a creator.

Your choice- I believe it is your choice where you fall on that spectrum of extremes. Please know that I respect your beliefs and only ask that you respect mine.

Zero judgement- Earlier I said that holding grudges was a bad habit I’m trying to overcome with my spiritual beliefs. Being judgemental is another (my last name means “the judge” in Italian) I have come a long way with this one. But one thing I can promise you is that I will never judge you for your beliefs. Even Virtue has the right to have her beliefs. Just don’t expect me to cower when your beliefs lead you to condemn mine.

The Avett Brothers sing in this darkly named yet poignantly beautiful song, “Murder in the City” …

If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don’t bother with all my belongings
Pay attention to the list
Make sure my sister knows I loved her
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name

Consider this my list of items I want you all to know about me. It’s not a complete list but hopefully you will see clearly that my spiritual awakening has only brought positivity into my life.