Ahhh…February. The month of romance. In the past I never really had much use for the day. I rarely was in a relationship on this day so it usually was spent with friends or on my own lamenting my perceived “lack” of love. The funny thing is when I have had a partner on Valentine’s Day it rarely turned out as beautiful as all the Hallmark cards and movies make it out to be. One partner made me a wooden wind chime made out of hearts that was truly beautiful…and an exact replica of several others that he gave to his female friends at the bar where he spent most of his free time. THAT went over really well. Another time a very sweet boyfriend of mine bought me a huge heart filled with candy and a teddy bear which broke my heart because I was planning on breaking up with him the following week. I even tried to return the gifts to him but for some odd reason, he didn’t want them back (I still cringe when I think of this…not my finest hour).
But I’m feeling differently about this Valentine’s Day. Although we all know that it is a holiday invented by Hallmark to sell lots of candy, flowers, and cards, I now like to think of it as a day to remind us all to show love to those around us. The Avett Brothers have a new album on the way and released this song in October. The first few lines of the song are:
Words only won’t suffice/Roses and sacrifice for you.
This got me thinking about the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He came up with a paradigm that states that people in relationships communicate their love best through one of 5 different ways. If you are in a relationship, he states it is quite helpful to know what your love language and what is your partner’s preference. There is a quiz you can take online and in the book that supposedly would point you to your favored language. But I started thinking recently, why limit this to just romantic relationships? Why not look for ways to show family and friends that you care about that go beyond a card? For those of you who are Catholic, this could be a Lenten way to show service instead of giving up chocolate or swearing yet again (shut up…it was hard). I went to the 5 Love Languages website and found the explanations that I’ve pasted below. Take a look through and see what you think. They are copied below in italics with my own spin on them below in regular type.
Love Language #1:
Words of affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The flies were going to carry it out for you.”
Wow…sarcastic much? I’m no relationship expert, but if you have a partner who talks to you like this, you may want to rethink the direction of your life. (Maybe I’m a tad sensitive to this because this was my #1 Love Language when I took the quiz, but c’mon.) Anyway, expressing gratitude is an easy way to spread some love that only takes the time you need to say it. Telling someone what you like about them is another way to show how you feel. I once had a boyfriend write me a haiku that was so clever and funny. The relationship didn’t last but I still have that poem somewhere among my memory box. An easy way to use this love language is to challenge yourself to express gratitude to at least 3 people per day this month. And maybe cut down on the sarcastic remarks too although most of my friends and I would have a very hard time doing that.
Love Language #2
Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”
Now, I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t speak in this language. Who doesn’t love to get gifts? But I understand that this may be the “material girl” inside of me talking. I was shocked when it came up #2 in my preferred love languages. I love gifts, especially when there is thought put into them. I have two good friends with whom I exchange Christmas gifts. These ladies have known me since high school and know me better than I know myself. Their thoughtful gifts have included socks with sarcastic sayings, coffee mugs for my caffeine fixes, and Yankee nicknacks (which is really incredible since one of them is a misguided Red Sox fan). You don’t have to break the bank for this one. Buy some donuts for your office one day this month. Pick up a gas card and gift it to someone who you know runs a lot of errands. This isn’t a daily requirement; even doing it once during this month is enough to spread the love. (BTW, I don’t like red roses but adore snapdragon flowers…just saying.)
Love Language #3
Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.
OK, I don’t know how I would feel if my husband vacuumed OUR floor and then expected me to see it as a sign of his love. Getting a maid service to work for us every other week? Now you’re talking. But this is actually a way to spread love that is so easy to do each day. Do you have a co-worker that has a hate-hate relationship with the copier? Offer to do their copying the next time you’re on your way to tangle with the temperamental machine. If you have an elderly neighbor, offer to shovel their walkway or driveway. (If anyone feels like expressing their love to me, I will gladly take on the moniker of elderly for a shoveled walkway). Just do something kind each day to help out someone without expecting anything in return. And wash your own damn dishes.
Love Language #4
Quality time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention. Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and listening.
I’m not sure what it says about me that this was the love language that got the least amount of points except maybe that the introverted side of me needs lots of time on my own. (It says you can be a miserable old hermit, Fran.) Anyway, I have seen the value of this one recently. . My mother has been in a rehab/nursing home for the past 3 months, and the number of lonely old folks just sitting around waiting for someone to talk to them is heartbreaking. Spending just 30 minutes volunteering to hang out with one person would mean so much. If you are more drawn to younger people, volunteer to be a reader at a local library or school. This doesn’t have to be an ongoing thing but I promise you if you choose to read aloud to a group of 5 year olds, you will never be the same again. (Be prepared for lots and lots of questions that are actual statements that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the book you are reading…come to think of it, the same thing might happen if you visit with an elderly person.). I’m also a huge proponent of sitting with your child (or niece, nephew, wicked step daughter) and just spend some time reading. The time you spend with that child will reap the benefit of not only expressing your love but also will allow that child to hear another fluent reader which can boost his/her reading skills. (End of teacher commercial).
Love Language #5
Physical touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all expressions of love.
Well now, how do I approach this one. OK, first of all don’t be having sexual intercourse with all the people you love. I believe there are several laws against that. Or do but make sure you use protection… sorry, I got flustered there for a minute. I’m flabbergasted that this came out as tied for #2 with receiving gifts as my favored love languages. I guess this means that as long as you buy me gifts and have sex with me I will feel so loved. (So basically I’m a prostitute. I see so many psychologist’s appointments being filled talking out this one.) Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m not a big hugger (unless I’m in a relationship or I come across Brad Pitt…that man just screams out to be hugged) which is quite inconvenient because I come from an extended family of huggers and kissers. Anyway, I guess this one expression of your love for your friends really depends on your knowledge of their need for personal space. I would recommend maybe doing something like putting down your phone when talking with them or looking at whoever you are talking to straight in the eye. That could demonstrate the same kind of respect as a hug would. Undivided attention is hard to come by as are reasons to kiss your coworker. (very uncomfortable to joke about in the #metoo era but there you are). However, if you are a touchy-feely kind of person and your friends are too, by all means share the love. Just stay away from me…Brad, present company excepted.
I am a huge believer that this nasty old world needs more love. If you are like me and are alone this February, don’t spend the time beating yourself up and feeling miserable like I used to do. Spread the love you have for the people in your life. If enough people try this out, we can counteract the negative culture that, unfortunately, seems to be prevalent all over our country. Maybe if we all pay it forward this month, we can change this dreary winter month into one filled with love and appreciation for all. And if you decide you’d like to woo me remember when I say pay it forward I mean it quite literally. And keep the receipt.
One Foot In, One Foot Back 